Oh, this one was hard to finish; ever notice that in trauma, it’s hard to let go of things? Maybe it’s just me; there is something so healing about writing. You are unloading what isn’t yours. When you tell your story, it frees you so much. It is almost like you become your trauma; your identity gets replaced. You identify solely with your trauma, so letting go of your trauma by writing about it feels scary. For me, I procrastinate to write and hold it in more than I should. It’s a lot of responsibility to rebuild yourself up. It’s a lot of work. To move forward, we can’t be tethered to the past.
Reading back, it makes me so happy to see myself again. I am starting to surface! It can happen. It took about two months for my Self to appear again—post brain trauma—these glimpses of my former Self starting to show up again encourage me even now. Often I don’t feel like “myself” after this happened. But I’ll never be that Self again.
So much of this journaling irritates me. I will try my best not to swear, but it just makes me want to say what a fucking asshole she (the woman that strangled me) was. I am mean, who strangles someone then says; you pay half for letting me see my kid? Really? The nerve. I am the breadwinner in our household; she knows where the money would come from. She lost custody after her violence and was awarded supervised visitation. Someone has to pay the supervisor. The court made us split it. Insane. After she was convicted of Domestic Violence, she was court-ordered to pay us back. That never happened. Of course.
If it was me and I made this horrid mistake, I would offer to pay for it all. Please. Let me make this right.
Looking back, we regret our decision not to take this child away from this woman. We did not insist on full custody after the strangulation attack she committed on me. We thought my stepdaughter would be more scarred from not seeing her mother through this. Omg, had I known then that one day m stepdaughter would say, I HATE YOU, live full time with her mom walking of ours, and we not see her for three years plus after, I would have considered more before pulling money out of my 401K to “keep my stepdaughter safe.”
After moving in with mom within six months, she was flunking out of school, had 88 truancies, kicked off the cheer team, multiple detentions, and a two-day in-school suspicion from having full-on freedom, no parenting, spending most of her time sleeping over at her friend’s house and on birth control at 15. Depending on how you look at that, it’s a good thing, but I don’t.
So much drama. How much drama can one woman make over their child and the court systems are a complete joke. It is an embarrassment for me to share how they acted. Grown people working this way is always a shock for me.
It is shocking when you find a mother that is so self-absorbed that she does not see her child is suffering. Yes, I, too, had the mindset, as does our courts, that the child needs to be with the mother because the MOTHER knows best. I am very sorry to tell you that all mothers do not know best. Some mothers only think of themselves, as do some fathers as do some people. This is the sad truth of life. Some people do suck royally.
There we have torn the band-aid off. Now we need to accept that our court systems are set up to support the false idea that.
It has felt pretty lonely getting through this mess.
So much of the time, I live in my head.
I hold on to any sign that I am on the right track. I am always looking at my life for balance between my mind, body, and spirit. When linked between Mind, Body, Spirit, there is oneness, and it is closely aligned with our source’s energy. I keep asking for help, and it keeps showing up.
It is just a matter of being clear about what you want. I am authentically remaining in love, staying present and aware. I keep taking a step back for perspective and opening my heart. Especially when it comes to my stepson’s girlfriend, but it’s hard. It is exhausting.
She has taken a stand against us, and since that first text the day after it all happened, the one where she told us she couldn’t believe what we are doing to the ex-wife that strangled me, things have never been the same.
I doubt they ever will be. Every time we try to reconcile, she tells us her bipolar II prevents her from being able to. But she’s besties with the woman that strangled me. Vomit.
Neurology appointment today, talking to Lance. Family court is always a complete mess. The ex-wife is sitting over there thinking she didn’t do anything wrong—my poor husband. Nothing is going to happen until after the criminal trial from a family court standpoint. She will be convicted. Then she will be convicted of Domestic Violence.
This is such a waste of money—the enormous waste of money I have ever decided to waste. But someone tried to kill me. How else do I sleep at night knowing she walks the earth without some protective orders, something on the record so that if it happens again, she is screwed. I might be dead, but she will go to jail.
When your body goes into death spasm, you go from one part of your brain to another part of your brain, instinctually faster than you can think. I feel like I have been spasming from pending death since this happened. I am powerless to what is happening to me after, and I am checking out mentally slowly. An environment of safety, not multifaceted and layered with fakeness… it’s impossible to know what we should be doing right now to get better. I don’t know how to get from point A to point B. What’s the first step? I hurt, my head hurts, my neck hurts, and my body is in constant panic.
June 11, 2015, Thursday
Very confident about what was in the realm of correct. It would look better if my stepdaughter were in school. But we are not concerned about what would look better—shedding, peeling of an onion. Slowly by slowly, she is getting better, or so it seems. Close your eyes and turn your brain off and start healing.
My stepson and his girlfriend came over. Neither of them asked how I am feeling. We all have to pretend I am not hurt. I am starting to ask myself questions like what happens to your body when attacked like this. What happens to the other person’s body when they attack like that. Lydia my energy coach session was very powerful today. She helps me see what is mine in all this and where I need to set boundaries. Maybe a Karmic energic rebalancing past lives. I’d be so lost without her.
June 12, 2015, Friday
My stepson’s Birthday. Things were awkward. How nice of his mother to do this to him, make things forever awkward.
June 13, 2015, Saturday
Film festival and lots of drama. His girlfriend suddenly, at the last minute, decides not to go. She doesn’t want to be around us. It’s so unbelievably hurtful what she is doing; I wonder how long it will last (six years later nothing has changed here).
June 14, 2015, Sunday
My stepdaughter had visitation with her mom. My stepson’s girlfriend showed up with the mom. So much drama. This psychotic woman digs her claws into the girlfriend to try and influence her son and try to poison them against us. So evil, so wrong, or it is just mental illness.
June 18, 2015, Friday
My stepdaughter is doing quite well; the genetic disposition for future issues lies with her mother. I need to disengage completely with my stepson’s girlfriend. This is not healthy for my recovery, language of adversity.
My energy coach introduced me to an interesting exercise. Visualize the actual synapses of brain cells coming back to heal your brain. Sounds woohoo, but when your neurologist says there is not much that can be done with the brain cells that died due to strangulation and blunt trauma, you will seriously try anything to get your life back.
Reintroduce the sparkles; I am feeling like I am getting back to myself energetically, at least. Reacting, seeing life in general from a rusty old spaces, sparkles invite the new neuropathways, ancient pathways to divinity, neuropathways redirect consciousness to those ancient pathways. Be a watcher. Justice will be done. I need to go get a crystal just be done, good of all. Helping me in ways, get off old tracks reacting to the old. The brain is flexible. I have a big part in this. Focus on what is good. Happy neurons are firing. What little things make me happy and solidify this? Do more of that. Do more of what makes you happy.
Focus on that.
June 19, 2015 Friday
Kaitlan Vogel called. San Diego City Prosecutor
News says it’s domestic violence….they don’t do stories on Domestic Violence.
Null and void. I am alive but dead.
As you know, there is a court order in place wherein mother and child are to have supervised contact. The court order states that each party is responsible for 50% of the cost. Currently visits are on hold as the father has not paid for the most recent visit that occurred on 6/20/15.
A visit was scheduled to occur on 6/20/15 from 1:30 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. A half-hour before the visit was scheduled to start, I received a text message from father saying the following:
“We are unable to pay cash today due to being on disability, because of the conviction there will be restitution for recovery of your fees. If Aurelia is unable to pay upfront now, then we will have to pay you upon receiving restitution. We don’t have cash for today’s visit.”
I sent a text message back reminding father that 1) It is a court order that he pay for half and 2) pursuant to our contract payment must be received at the time that services are rendered.
Due to father’s actions, I need to write an interruption of services memorandum and to state the reason for the interruption (in accordance with CRC 3200.5) Therefore, please be advised that the mother/child supervised visits are on hold (interrupted) due to non-payment of fees by father. The issue of payment is clearly a legal issue, and I would like to know when father will pay. In addition, I want assurance from the father’s counsel that the court order regarding payment will be followed by the father in the future.
ABC Visitation Services
The cost was $50 twice a week, suddenly we had a $400 a month expense, and I wasn’t able to work. She was perfectly ok with us having to pay. I could never be this type of person.