My energy coach always said, as does my mother still, that it is not my role. That I was over-involved. That I need to detach, she (stepdaughter) is ultimately not my responsibility. Not in a, she doesn’t matter standpoint but that she has a mother and my over-involvement is not energetically serving me. I get this on so many levels, today I practice it although it is a lot easier when my stepdaughter says she hates me and doesn’t want a relationship.
The choice is made for me to not be over-involved. I am no longer involved. Her mother does not want her to have a relationship with us, and no court order has changed that. Regardless of what is best for her daughter. Essentially what she said in court that we were doing to her is what she was wanting to do to us. What she has done to us.
Again evidence that she was operating from her ego, she lost sight of reality; she only saw what she wanted to see. When we point the finger and blame others, what we are saying is that what someone else is doing to us reveals our true intentions. That which we want to do to them not what they are doing to us. Again twisted reality. She wanted to destroy our relationship with her daughter. She believes she owns her daughter, and any woman with her ex-husband is a threat, and she will forever punish him for breaking up with her.
But at this time, a year before I was attacked, we had 50% responsibility for a child that was struggling a lot in school and with interpersonal relationships. Which meant that our world stops until she is on her feet. In a lot a ways without her in our life our world has stoppedHow do you be in a marriage in a home with children yours or not and detach yourself from their success in life? How do you not care? Her struggling created stress in our home and our relationships. When are kids are not okay, we are not okay.
We would do nothing different than what we’ve done. We have been working through these communications trying to figure out where I misstepped and if trying to help a child succeed is taken as a violent threat to the child’s mother, there is something wrong with the mother, not me. She doesn’t view the child’s teachers that way right? Aren’t they doing the same as me? Trying to help?
We were communicating, we were trying to have a co-parenting relationship for the good of a child that we had shared custody of. I have learned in business and life that less is more. I had a lot of words, but this was overcompensation for the lack of in-person communication that we could not have with them. They did not have the ability to look past what they choose to believe and see about the circumstances.
From: Husband’s New Wife
To: Husband’s Ex-Wife
Sent: Wednesday, April 9, 2014 11:10 AM
Subject: Re: Switch 3/31
I figured you did not receive but wanted to make sure we were being consistent because it seems to be helping a lot. I sent to an icloud email but I will use this one for future, so it doesn’t get lost.
We got the Fever 1793 book, which I believe is her current book club book. Glad you support the audiobooks too, I feel this option gives her a lot of confidence so far that she is smart and does understand reading. We will keep you in the loop on the school book audiobooks when we find out more information; I think that will be huge for her next year. I would like to research more because I do feel it’s important we encourage her to keep practicing reading otherwise, her reading muscles will get weak and she will still need to read alot even with the audiobooks. I think she understands this.
No problem about the socks, I am convinced washing machines eat them anyhow. I picked up some new ones for her yesterday just so we have extra. She proudly said her feet no longer stink so I hoping we are good.
We are on the same page about the boys bugging her, just reinforcing that it does not matter what anybody else thinks and just be confident in herself. Easier said than done at 11 I am certain. But she’ll get there. She’s not mentioned anything since the desk change.
She mentioned she gets a reward for not biting on them on the cruise and she was proud of this, although she did bite them yesterday (baby steps). It’s a tough habit to break and not an uncommon one, especially for kids from divorced homes. My best friend growing up had a similar situation and chewed them till she was 30! I think we just continue to do the best we can to help her.
Also it seems like we are on the same page about the dance, and we are happy to bring her when she is on our weeks, provided all her homework and responsibilities are done first. She has made really great progress at school and certainly deserves some fun for that. We can also discuss sharing the costs, not sure what they are but we are open to supporting her in this if we can.
About the Prius, appreciate the note. I sometimes feel she tries to stir the pot, nothing intentional of course but if I’ve learned anything over the last five years of managing through this delicate challenging co-parenting/step-parenting relationship is not to take anything for face value when it comes from a child. All she is trying to do is find her way. It’s our job to just make sure she feels loved and supported. That said, thank you for being open to communicating more often even with the challenging issues. I think it helps her when we are all on the same page and hopefully over time there will be no charge and we can all happily co-exist at joint events for the kids.
Sounds like you guys had a great spring break. Just a heads up that we were up later than normal last night with the birthday celebration so she might be a little tired and she also woke up with a little cough.
Husband and Husband’s New Wife
(nothing no response but we don’t stop being consistent)
From: Husband’s New Wife
To: Husband’s Ex-Wife
Sent: Monday, May 5, 2014 12:59 PM
Hi Husband’s Ex-Wife,
Nothing unusual to report this week other than she seems to become increasingly nervous on the days we switch, just an observation. Also, she met lots of new friends this weekend while we were at the beach and these kids she went with to a Muirlands event on Sunday. She seems excited about meeting new kids and has confidence she knows all the 7th and 8th Graders for next year.
Question for you. I just started a new job and have the opportunity to get family insurance. Under the family insurance, I can put both kids on my plan. Was not sure what your circumstances were on this and if your new husband was already doing a family plan that would include the kids? Would this be something you would be interested in discussing with me? Please let me know. Feel free to call me to talk through it. I will need to get it sorted out in the next 90 days if we do it but wanted to touch base with you.
Husband and New Wife
#strangulation #strangulationsurvivor #domesticviolence #mentalhealth #coparenting #coparent #stepmom #stepdaughter #dad #papa #wemissher #ithurts #neverthesamewithoutyou #familyviolence #violence #truth