A year after divorce at 31 I got my boobs done. My mom told me not to. I did not listen. My best friend just told me I was so stubborn there was no telling me not to. Sigh. Yes, I admit I am stubborn. I insisted on marrying the guy that I divorced too. So so stubborn. I have not changed. Nor do I want to. There are good reason to be stubborn sometimes!
My boobs, they did a lot for me but I was never comfortable with them in. On a positive note, I no longer looked at my thighs and thought they were fat. I hope I am not the only one that has thought this about their thighs. I realized how tricky our minds can be and how it cannot always be trusted. There are lots of outside circumstances that affect how we see the world. Being influenced is only human.
I feel very grateful to feel very healthy today. I have read plenty about women that are not so lucky. A couple of months ago my mom sent me an FDA article stating all implants are cancer causing. This was all I needed to push me to “deal”. They have been in for 12 years, they do not last forever. They are also not comfortable any longer at all. They cause a lot of pain and are holding me back from fully healing from strangulation.
These boobs felt ok for a long time. I had relatively no issues, so I thought. I am super petite, my frame, especially around my chest, is tiny and my neck is long. When I was attacked my right breast was shoved into my armpit. My implants were smooth saline under the muscle. They had a proper home but not after being attacked. Post being attacked I have had a lot of posture and stability issues. The connective tissues holding my vertebrae together was overstretched permanently. There is slack and my spine has slippage, never a good thing. My right implant also measures an inch to the right off center and one inch lower than my left. Unsupported pulling on my chest muscles constantly. I constant mental weight of trauma.
Reading the police reports now it is fascinating to me that the one pain I called attention to the police was my under my right breast and my buttock. When my neck has been center pain stage the whole time. But back to my boobs. Essentially, the pocket the surgeon had created for it had been torn straight through to my armpit. That day I had searing torn muscle pains everywhere but the worst under my right breast. I have sort of gotten past the whole yes my boobs were fake part and am in the details of yet another distinct injury received from being attacked. I think it’s the natural order of things to have the first presented pain from trauma be the last to heal.
I have started my third round of physical therapy. Now for my lower back and hips. My lumbar sacral joint was crushed by her against our car before she slammed my skull to the hood of our car. I now have slippage in this joint and it makes for a whole other special set of setbacks in my life. But after spending some time with my therapist and further evaluation I am now back in physical therapy for all my old injuries and will be having a full neck evaluation. Four years past. There is no timeline for healing.
The timing is quite perfect because I had my boobs out yesterday and now I get some support as I transition. I am thrilled to say that I felt an immediate relief in my neck and shoulders. It was like the space between some vertebrae was breathing for the first time in a long time. I felt space in tiny places that I have not felt in a long time. I have space in my brain from not thinking about this any longer and I don’t have a constant reminder of two really terrible experiences. My ex-husband and my husband’s ex-wife. This is a big deal. Equally huge is how much deeper I can breathe in. I am overwhelmed with a massive heart chakra opening.
So, if someone asked me today if I would consider getting implants the answer would be an easy no. I actually cannot relate to the person that did this to themselves. It is dense energy, it reminds me of a lot of my ex-marriage and what being married to a cheater was like. We were together for 13 years and I was cheated on all 13 years of them. When I think about not feeling qualified to write a book because nothing bad ever happened to me, I clearly was not taking this into consideration. Today I strive to live a toxic free and clearly having implants does not align well to this. From a mental or physcial stand point. Not dealing with issues in your life is just as toxic as ingestign heavy metals.
I have learned so much about trauma. I would have been so much better able to take care of myself had I known what I know now. Now I know the most important thing to do after trauma is rest and sleep. This is required for your mind most importantly it cannot process what has happened if you are feeding it constant content. The REM in your sleep will process and clean up your mental state so that you are not traumatized by what has happened. So much can be traumatic in our lives and we just power through not realizing that we are contributing to our injuries by not resting.
I have been resting for two days now. I don’t have a lot of pain, I have a lot of relief. I am curious to how my health will change having toxic material removed from my body. I have been detoxing for heavy metals for a long time so I think I have done a lot of good work to support the unnecessary toxic load. I am mostly curious to how my life will change without pain and a constant reminder of why I got it. It is a freeing feeling, I am overwhelmed by new sensations.
Hugging is amazing. I just keep walking up to my husband asking for hugs. The first hug I gave was to my surgeon Dr. Park in Oceanside who was amazing. Having someone totally in tune with you during this process really made a huge difference for me. He knew the heavy emotional load that I got to dump off with them bags of saline. It made him feel good to help me. The first hug I gave to my daughter without them and the feeling of her arms wrapping around me took my breath away.
Cuddling with my dog. Oh my god. My Biggie Smalls never liked this change. It was a big change for us as he slept tucked up into my armpit. Once I got implants he could not feel my heart beating nor me him. Devastating. We are reunited. A little too much my stitches are sore!
I do feel amazing. I can stand taller than before. I am sleeping deeper than I have for years. My shoulders can fall back. My chest can be fully open. This is how we need to face the world with a wide open heart. Nothing about implants gave me this feeling of power. They only got in my way. They got in my way of being fully me. They crushed my ablity to be 100% natural soemthing I pride myself on.
I am excited about my surfing, I will have a much deeper paddle. I am excited about my downward dogs and upward dogs. I am dying to sleep on my stomach and to get a massage. All things that never felt right with implants in. There is so much more to say but for now, I just trust my body knows exactly how to heal. I thank my former breasts and forgive my former self for doing it.
I love my new lines and how narrow I look. I now perfectly match my frame and I am happy to be home. I can’t wait to wear deep V tanks and go shamelessly braless. Those boobs made me feel fat, lol. Full circle. I feel more femimine and sexier than ever being back to my real self.
Big lesson acknowledging and accepting. I am grateful to practice.
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