A Glimmer of Fight

We are coming out of it, it is now six months after. It’s unavoidable deep depression. Our lives were shattered. It was really tough going through the shift of being home injured and guarded to having to open up and reunite my stepdaughter with her mother and that transition. It was easier to be hurt that try to get better, it was depressing and complicated and really hard to turn this all around. 

Family stress is the worst stress and Domestic Violence is so sad. So many women and families suffer from the injuries of DV. 

But I did get to a point where I felt a glimmer of fight. I loved rereading this part, it took six months for me “feel the fight” to get my life back.  It does happen, been fighting ever since. But I would rather be fighting for better than staying stuck in the pain.  

Saturday October 2, 2015

Such a rough day.  Crying all day long.  The severity of it all is crashing in today.  I’m so sad. Cut my stepson off. It makes no sense that they are perfectly fine to spend time with his mother and can’t spend time with us or talk to us.  I don’t care to speak with his girlfriend ever again. 

SUNDAY OCTOBER 3, 2015

I could not take it anymore how my stepson is treating us.  I had to say something.  My husband says it’s not how he feels but he gives me nothing else to go on.  My alternative is not talking, ignoring and letting it all just fade away.  My emotions are too strong to let that happen and I would rather say something and risk completely severing our connections than live a life and not communicate.  My step daughter’s minor counsel is saying that in a couple weekend ends she will have spent two weekends at her mom’s house without her stepson there.   People don’t realize how she is going to feel when the time comes to spend the night.  How we are going to feel to let her not sleep in our house we might cry. It’s been so rough.  Every night we tuck her in.  Every night my husband checks on her per her request.  She is so close to being ready for all this.  Forcing it on her is only going to make her push it all away.  The stress is killing my body.  I said some pretty harsh things to my stepson.  Maybe it’s just that he doesn’t care. 

Monday October 5, 2015

We just got the photos from the police.  OMG! And this morning our daughter was on my bed going through my photos.  Luckily my hands were right there and when I saw what she was about to flip past I sucked in air so fast and distracted her enough to pull the phone away but I think she saw the picture of my neck scratched.  I asked her what she saw and she was very serious and somber about it and said nothing.  I know she saw, I am not going to say anything and hopefully she won’t have a nightmare.   I keep thinking back to the session with Shannon when she asked me what the scariest part of all it was.  I said it was the calm.  The end.  Peace. Over.  Not scary.  What in the world.  I still feel this way somehow on some level.  Once this is all over it’s going to be radical where the cards fall.  Aurelia has biggest smirk on her face in the police photos. 

October 16, 2015

188 days and forgetting how to be happy 

How can this be?  I am recognizing I am depressed.  It is the day after our daughter’s birthday and I am only focused on the loss of our happiness. 

Wednesday October 7, 2015

My stepdaughter told me about a nightmare she had last night. We got the 911 tape.  Hearing what I was saying the complete terror of when I was saying “ She was trying to kill me…she was trying to kill me…” and just crying and crying.  Completely shaken up.  It is was so traumatizing to hear anyone.  Knowing that our attorney, me and my husband have all heard it.  My step daughter’s nightmare was a blond haired woman carrying a machine gun that came into the garage while she was in there with her little sister.  They put a TNT box in front of her face and blew it off.  She then wasput in a box and she couldn’t help her sister from in the box from the woman.  She could not fall back asleep and came inbed with us.  Poor her. 

Wednesday October 9th 2015

Court today.  It’ s getting ridiculous.  The stuff we are talking about is such a waste of time.  I feel like this is what other victims must feel like.  We spent all day in family court.   Then we got a call from the city prosecutor that was so bizarre.  It’s like the victim is always the victim.  This woman was basically berating us for itemizing all our expenses the literal cost this is costing us. 

Monday October 13, 2015

It’s whizzing past the time.  My stepdaughter’s first weekend is this weekend with her mom.  I had to lay on an icepack today my neck hurts so much still.  I need more physical therapy but we just don’t have the money and insurance won’t cover anymore.  We will probably be screwed out of all of this. The victim gets a disporptionate amount of the burden I guess.  I get a version of my body back that was not the same as when it was before.  The therapist reached out and asked if there was anything he should know.  We told him about the nightmares and weekend visit and the fact that the stepdad said that he doesn’t feel that he can trust my stepdaughter anymore.  The cubs are WINNING! It’s making me happy I won’t lie.  I am starting to meditate.  As funny as it seems I miss the early trauma days, I feel like I was closer to love then. There was an overwhelming sense of calm for a long time after.  I feel that once you touch that realm beyond it changes you.  But like almost everything in life it is wearing off.  I am now sore and tired pretty much all the time.  My daughter is sick as is my stepdaughter both colds from school.  So bummed.  

Wednesday October 14, 2015

My daughter tells me that Elf Guy came to her in her dream and took her to fly to the unicorns but she told them that she had a cough and had to go back to her bed to rest and she felt that she was a fairy and she flew and it felt good.  She felt like she was flying in her bed. My daughter is visiting with her mom and it is so hard to see her having fun with her mom when our life is complete shit from what she did.  How can it be possible that she can have only fun with her mom.  It’s as if it is not real life. But it’s good for her and we are good with that. 

Tuesday October 20, 2015

Starting to feel the glimmer of fight inside me again.  Hopefully it’s coming back.  This can either ruin my life or I can take my life back.  Stress is radical it is eating me. 

November 4 ,2015

11/4/15 Heather : I talk to her a lot we are best friends.  This is what Heather told us today about my stepdaughter,  here is a total stranger that believes nothing we say holds no value to the violence our family has endured and she knows nothing of my stepdaughter.  

Saturday November 21, 2015

Realizing that the only way out of this is loving yourself but we are made to feel bad if we do. Anyone can learn how to love oneself.   No one should be sensitive about where one is.  All people are loving, if they love life.  

Learning to love yourself, when you hate you don’t have your life as it was is so tough. Loving yourself when you hate what happened feels impossible. Loving yourself feels so uncomfortable when being hurt and depressed is so familiar. 

Since this time I have dont so much yoga. My practice has turned to cleansing our energy and more like a physical therpay for my injuries. But keeping your heart open is critical to soar in life. Life tries to close us down sometimes its a big event sometimes it’s little things that happen over and over ago but have the same impact on the structure of our bodies. Shoulders come in and close us off.  

We must stay open to receive what life has to offer. We must practice opening out our bodies to heal our traumas.