WHAT WE FOCUS ON EXPANDS

Our next court documents were on August 12th. So we were about five months after it happened. I can see we were in survival mode. I am always trying to thrive in life and I grateful for who I was before this happened to me. My heart goes out to all the families out there that are survivors of Domestic Violence.

I was still seeing doctors for my injuries, and eight years later I am still seeing doctors for my injuries. Getting strangled created permanent dysfunction in my spine. I have a permanent injury to my brain. A lot of my life revolves around managing them to ensure I stay balanced and can still have a joyful life.

I was starting to prepare to go back to work, I went back to the awesome job I had and was fired in January sadly. They had unofficially replaced me when I went out on disability. They had to wait 90 days after I was back to let me go. That was really hard.

I kept a lovely note from my energy coach Lydia. To this day it resonates and it’s magical I am reading it as it is still a great reminder. I also ordered adrenal support today, from such a stressful and stressing event my adrenals ache. How Domestic Violence impacts our adrenal and cortisol levels could be a whole book on its own!

Lydia reminded me…What we focus on expands.

I share my story to focus on the Domestic Violence Laws countywide to be standardized, that Strangulation is always a felony no matter who you strangle, that stepfamily and pets are protected parties under DV Laws, that if you are convicted of a violent crime in criminal court those court documents follow you to family court, that victims of domestic violence do not pay any court fees to protect children. And finally that if you are violent in the home and strangle anyone with children and pets even partially exposed you lose your rights to custody.

Looking back on this today, cathartic. There was so much noise. Court worked for us how a crowded event drowns out any single word heard. It is a strategy to word vomit for character defamation. There was so much said that no one (except the Judge) heard that children were exposed to the most violent forms of domestic violence. The most violent of any form of life-threatening violence.

Court is about less is more. The less you say the more you learn about why you are being asked what you are being asked. It is really important that if you are the victim you must learn the strategy of the opposition. We were so naive and so open.

I think what we should have done was say a temporary stay order was needed until we are healed more. We were in no place to be making the decisions we were making, I was brain injured with daily migraines and pain unable to work or be a mom or a partner.

My journals below make me happy, I love my ability to be my cheerleader. I have tried so hard, there is evidence here for me. I just started editing sentences. Some make absolutely zero sense. But I put their beautiful imperfect messages back to their original state. Part of my brain injury affected the language part of my brain. I have to use Grammarly at work still or sometimes I would make no sense.

I am also reminded of a maybe topic not even touched upon yet and that is my out-of-body experience and what a Near Death Experience is. I’ve written into NDE.org and there is so much research out there.

July 24, 2015 Friday
I had early morning doctor’s appointments, then started to get organized in my office.

Hi dear Amy:

I check in with you most days.

If I may suggest to take your attention off (not deny) this incident. What you focus on expands. Use your Sparkles. !!! It neutralizes the energy.

We don’t want to keep triggering the “fight or flight” response = PTSD. The ego loves that. The old reptilian brain does not know any better. Allow the people around you to just process their own stuff.

This unpleasant episode was on your path. I am wondering about taking some adrenal support supplements.

I’m not in the office Thurs and Fri.

We could meet Tue at 4 or 5:30 Central.

Summer Special expires soon if you feel it appropriate.

In my heart.

Lydia

July 25, 2015 Saturday

Called Detective Flores. We found the vaccine chart she has not been vaccinated since 2004. We sent to Shana. We have to make a commitment to loving ourselves. Really acting in loving way, becoming the best versions of ourselves. Reading something positive every morning. Setting the tone, staying busy. Exercising, being a model of wellness to Sage and her big sister. Loving each other. We have to start a cleanse together tomorrow. Jump start healing even if we can’t we have to otherwise we will be stuck in this muck forever. I am making Sage take a nap and calling it quiet.

Consider a centering though.

My personal reality begins inside me.

I love you.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

I used to find beauty in nature. Go for a walk and breath in the nature and appreciate everything. Now I have no passion for life anymore it seems.

Sage told me I was blueberry because she is a writer.

July 26, 2015 Sunday

We were at Boyd’s Birthday party. The boys called Anthony Dad. It’s weird when that happens. I had to carry a bunch of stuff to the beach my neck is so seized up and my back is killing me. I had to clean mirrors too. Back to the grind I guess can’t believe I have to grind and feel like shit now. I hate that this happened. I can’t help but still have this in my head. I need some serious clearing. It’s just so hard when your pain reminds you of it and centers you right in the middle of it. Had a headache pretty much all day. Had a really interesting conversation with Anthony about the reality that strangulation injuries are relatively untreated. Anthony is an attorney.

They say that most people survive it, there are a fucking lot of people that don’t this means that people are getting servely injured in their necks, backs having headaches losing their voices having personality changes and nobody knows about it because it usually happens in a domestic violence setting. So I want to talk about two things: 1) The injuries of strangulation and 2) the fact that step mothers and fathers are not protected under domestic violence laws in the state of California or maybe no where? How can this be?

July 27, 2015 Monday
When you flip out of your body maybe you never quite feel like you fit back into it, I feel like I am in someone else’s body. I hurt everywhere today just everywhere. So happy to go see Diane at 5pm. Trying to work. It’s a big challenge. Had a MRI this morning. Fingers crossed it is all good to go. Not as resilient. Can’t be anywhere but where I am at. As long as these last two court proceedings remain it will still present stress. I am just not myself. Saying these hurtful damaging things about my stepdaughter. Inappropriateness about her. Either she is completely making things up or she is delusional. At one point you are wonderful then you are the worst person in the world. A good attorney to take on a contingency basis, probably sue her. Medical, disability all the expenses. (this one is funny she had zero financial accountability)

July 28, 2015 Tuesday
Saw Dr. Anderson, cleaned up email doing my best to get into work but the physical pain now manifesting in my neck is radical had head pain all day. Really questioned my ability to get back into work because the harder I try the bigger the force inside my head becomes. The pain gets so bad that I have to take very frequent breaks. My work is also not the easiest with lots of moving parts to keep track of. I feel like I have to learn something completely new.

July 29, 2015 Wednesday
Realizing that I have no memory of things I learned at my third new job since 2011 from the attack. My head injury has affected my short-term memory short as anything complicated that I learned since the start of my new great awesome job. How could one not think to themselves….

July 30, 2015 Thursday
Specifically relevant to the school, Stephanie August, Quality Assurance. Had to relive it all.

July 31, 2015 Friday
Lolai called Jon’s mom when my stepdaughter went to visit to talk to her on a schedule while she is there.

August 5, 2015 Wednesday
Things are getting so stressful due to family court and me being back at work is tough.

August 9, 2015 Sunday
Ran into Tom Horgan at the Farmer’s Market. I started panicking, crying really upset. Shaking. He stared at me so I stared him down. What is that in me? I can’t say that I ever had this experience where I had to stand for myself like that.

August 10, 2015 Monday
Court is taking the attack and making it an adult thing just between us. Zero support from the courts it’s outrageous.

August 11, 2015 Tuesday
Objective evidence of a brain injury and trauma. Unhooked, no child should have to testify.

My MRI came back and confirmed I did suffer multiple brain injuries. TBIs can be life-altering and widely misunderstood and underdiagnosed.