You are the Best Thing that Happened to Her

From: Husband’s Ex-Wife New Husband
To: Husband New Wife
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2011 8:30 AM
Subject: about our stepdaughter

Hi Husband’s New Wife,

Your husband sent my wife a very disturbing message yesterday with an interrogation he did to our step daughter. The dialog is very disturbing and I’m not sure why he would incite such bad feelings on her. Again, what i said was taken out of context and he continues to use these situations to create conflict between both families. It seems to me once again that she was needing attention before going to bed, and both me and my wife think it is very disturbing that instead of trying to calm down and sooth her, her Dad was focused on recording the conversation and interrogating her to the point that he got her to cry and feel bad about having split homes.

I feel I need to explain myself to you. Unfortunately I cannot speak to him because we don’t see eye to eye and nothing good or constructive would come out of a conversation between us.

My words to her were exactly as she describe them on the audio message that her Dad secretly recorded, but it was definitely never my intention to make her feel divided or bad about it. Both me and my wife even expressed to her how thoughtful and kind we though she was when she said she wanted to be with you on Mothers day too. She told me she wanted to be with me on fathers day too and I gave her a big hug for it. 🙂 something must have happened after that triggered these emotions because she was very happy when she left here.

It’ obvious that she feels bad about having split homes and when I mentioned that she should be with her mama on mama’s day it made her feel bad about it. It was never my intention to make her feel bad and i will make sure to explain myself to her better and apologize for it. I Hope you understand and I hope you know that we support her on any decision she takes that brings her closer to being happy. Being with you makes her happy and I want you to know that we support it 100%. But I will not play games with her Dad or will I be a victim of his threats. PLease advise him not to come to my place of work or I will take measures to get him removed. If he has anything to add he can email me and I will do my best to answer to his concerns. I have no intentions of personally speaking to him and it would be very helpful if I could relate to you instead.

My focus is on the kids and on their well being. I find it very disturbing that he purposely creates conflict and even more disturbing that he is willing to interrogate her in the way that he did, using something that I said to trigger very negative emotions on her. I’m concerned for our step daughter.

Amy, I’m sorry to bring you into this and I hope you understand that my words to her were never intended to make anyone feel bad. Including you. Looking back now I can see how what I said could trigger some conflicted emotions on her, and I feel I really need to explain myself better to her and to you. Please take my sincere apologies if you felt in anyway disrespected by my comment and also please know that both me and my wife think that you are the best thing that happen to her.

Sincerely.
Husband’s Ex-Wife’s New Husband

Suddenly after these emails we get a call from Hocker who was a mutual friend when my husband and his ex were married. He declared his involvement to be the new liaison between us and the kids mom. First her husband says you cannot speak to my wife only speak through me. Then they think calling in a friend attorney to do is a good idea for co-parenting. Honestly.

From: Husband’s Ex-Wife Friend who is also an attorney
To: Husband
Sent: Thu, May 12, 2011 11:45:42 AM
Subject: RE: The Kids

Got it. Thx.

From: Husband
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2011 11:36 AM
To: Friend acting as attorney for free
Subject: The Kids

Here are my journal entries too, They are kind of hard to find on the website. The emails are very easy to get too.

This is also a copy of the email I sent your client and her husband today:

With apprehension as a result of our past experience that most communication is received as an attack, we are coming to you with concerns regarding our daughter’s emotional well being.

We have observed familiar behavioral patterns in her this week which are extreme nervousness, not following directions, appearing distracted and scattered as well as not being able to fall asleep with several explained reasons to get out of bed and try to get in bed with us or her big brother.

Knowing that something isn’t right because this is not normal behavior for her at our house I insisted that she tell me what was going on. She for the second time has expressed that her stepdad has said something to her in the nature of where her loyalties should lay within her family dynamic and specifically with her stop mom as a mothering type role in her life.

From the limited knowledge we have of what was said we are to believe that what is being said is only between the two of them. Big brother has confirmed as her mom that they have not overheard this conversation. However, this does not mean that something does not exist and regardless, she is reacting to something and is feeling very sad and burdened.

This makes me feel infuriated, this is my little girl! As her Father she expects me to comfort and protect her and because I want her to continue to grow into a emotionally intact, stable, secure young woman it is my responsibility to communicate what I am observing and how it is making me feel. Our although separate homes are one to the kids that have go between them and the peace between them and within our daughter depends on clearing this up.

I need it to be understood that when things like this come up my protection is not an attack on you but an effort to help my daughter. I also need it to stop.

I am requesting that there be more consideration for her feelings when subjects like this come up. I can appreciate that perhaps the intention was to protect your wife’s possible hurt feelings although her acceptance of allowing her to come on Sunday to see her step mom says something very different. If examined throughly allowing her stepdad to do her Mother’s work which is to communicate her feelings and not harbor resentment and only share this with her husband who then tries to “fix” it by telling her that she should be feeling/doing/being something different than she is, essentially creating an environment that does not support her being her. Judging anyone for how they feel is unfair and nobody should tolerate it and because she is a child she does not have her own voice. Her parents are her voice.

She is smart and specifically, her emotional intelligence is years ahead of her. If this continues one day the efforts like this to protect the mom who from our best assumption feels that her motherhood is threatened will ultimately hurt our daughter because she might very well hold her mother responsible for allowing her stepdad to say things that make her feel sad, burdened and badly about herself.

Finally, I feel it is necessary for both of you to talk to her and reassure that she is free to love everyone as much as she wants and I would like to ask you to apologize for hurting her feelings. Unless this is done there will continue to be an unsettled feeling between our homes which hurts the kids. Expecting me to sweep this under the rug and be okay with anything less than an apology to our daughter is unrealistic.

We need to demonstrate that she is safe to be herself and both families need to be on board. Please have the courtesy to acknowledge this. Trying to explain what you meant is unnecessary, it just needs to stop being said period and apologized for. She has been hurt, and it is wrong.

Husband

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