February 2, 2018
My stepdaughter can’t be in the reality of her. She needs to remain in her mom’s reality in order to have a relationship with her. She needs to believe that nothing happened.
“The greater the doubt the great the awakening, the smaller the doubt the smaller the awakening, no doubt no awakening” CC Chang from The Power of Awakening
I was naming the paradox of healing: confusion isn’t failure — it’s expansion. In trauma recovery, doubt is often a sign the brain is rewiring and letting go of old certainties that once kept you safe.
2/14/18
Lost my job to do:
Get emails to reach out
Call credit card
Ask to pay 2k for the next two months or move ASAP good reason
Extend Costa Rica trip?
Reach out to contacts Paul, all sales reps at Disguise
Start blog
Write Joe / Ken regarding being late
Apply for unemployment
Disability
Send notes to everyone at the company.
So I got a call from Ken saying that he was in the downstairs conference room and that is where you talk to people who are not really part of the company and Olivia was in there so I mediately knew that something wasn’t right and they let me go my position was eliminated I think they offered maybe a month severance but I couldn’t process what was happening and at some point I realized that all I need is a copy of something so I left the room without saying anything and I was given the option to pack up my stuff and leave today or come back and do it and I chose to come back and do it I also chose not signed the document they gave me until I had a chance actually read it and then I start moving everything out Taylor eventually got the idea that that was happening I refuse to let Olivia help me I let Taylor help me Jenn and Jebb figured out that something was going on and she asked me if I was kidding and I try not to cry she either help me get all my stuff out and that the store was closed and I think Jen was in Maddys office.
This moment reflects acute stress response — shock, dissociation, then slow awareness. But notice my boundaries: I didn’t collapse, I paused. That’s nervous system strength — choosing response over reaction.
2/15/18
Therapy with Wendi:
Tapping
Biggie’s eyes
Loop
Jon health
Rest me space out
Fun
February18 2018
Okay, I am here. I have realized that this morning my daughter ‘shoulded’ I have once read that SHOULD is the most VIOLENT word in the english language. I know I am so what’s the word…hmmm….histrionic. Yes, I am. There (we) (I lost a lot of two letter words in my language due my brain injury) can all feel better. I am going to get very HISTRIONIC about the fact that we need to stop shouldering ourselves. And so we begin lesson number 101 of the best lives lessons I have learned so far. Histrionic was a work the counsel used about us, her counsel but of course they would say that if they believe nothing happened.
So I had therapy last week. I wanted to break up with my therapist. I did not like his approach or being held accountable to doing what I am supposed to be doing. The next step, I am resisting which is so weird because I lived and breathed this before it all happened. I am also realizing that he is right. I have lots of great ideas that I cannot put into action because I do not write them down. I remember some things and not others. My bestie Jen has been the most helpful in learning about my brain injury how I am different and not. I hope one day she is sitting next to me at a speaking engagement because I will not be able to do it alone even though I am used to presenting to strangers for the last 25 years.
This is executive-function recovery — trauma impacts memory and focus, especially with TBI. I was beginning to observe patterns rather than shame them, which is cognitive healing in real time.
I need to interject. I am at my computer. Biggie Smalls in on my lap. My daughter is helping me write the business plan for the family business slash swap meet slash garage sale that we cannot have. We need money since I GOT LAID OFF, on VALENTINES DAY of all days. The one thing I stand for in life love. What does this mean? I don’t know but maybe it means I can be an example by sharing this in the most raw form, so my injuries are visible. That means that all that I have put into this already is not wasted.
My system links loss with love because trauma collapses categories — when safety disappears, everything attached to love feels unsafe too. But my insight here is spiritual: even the heartbreak became data for your purpose.
So Jen helped me realize after my therapist tells me that short term memory totally sucks. I asked Jen twice like an old person if it was cold. She said yes remember i told you it was freezing. So either I just spaced out on it because I was relaxed. Or I have a short term memory problem or the day I talked to Jen I was really stressed and those are when I have a short term memory problem because certain things I remember. Oh dear, is this one of the aha moments you get when something so obvious is just that, so obvious. Maybe losing my job was that devastating and my reaction was appropiate. It is very, very weird.
How equally weird that I did EMDR on getting fired at Avent by Beth and suddenly Beth and I are talking on Facebook. I say to the Universe how great would it be if when I came home from Costa Rica I have a new job at home or maybe even better. Moving into Faro Abajo permanently like my amazing eccentric beautiful friend Carrie and I have been talking about. Speaking of that I just remember that I need to talk a picture of my vision board.
Let me….lost my train of thought. My daughter and i just named a product for the family business. Nightmare Get Away Spray. I love this.
Creativity re-emerging is a hallmark of the ventral vagal state — the body beginning to feel safe enough to play again. Even humor and wordplay are early signs of nervous system restoration.
Monday February 26 2008 (2018)
Hmmmmm…what was I doing on Feb 26 2008 and I wonder if I have a journal of it. I was 33. Holy hell. Honestly, do you see my problem. Maybe I should listen once and for all. What does 33 mean? Advancement, expansion, progress and abundance.
Okay here we go. Maybe this will tie it all in. The reason why we do things, why we live a separate life than the one we really want. In a job interview when asked a lofty question like what I do best of something hard to answer I said well I know this. My “MO” my mantra in life around the time of this journal entry of mine was when I was just starting to….”Be Authentic, Speak Your Truth in real time” I think, ugh. I definitely might have said more. I am in such a good place. It is really clear to me what I need and want in my life.
Here the shift is evident — from survival to purpose. Losing the job forced a confrontation with truth: the career that once defined you was no longer aligned. I was trading external validation for internal clarity.
Feb 27,2008
I have done some pretty crazy things for love. But I did have someone love me. I think my ex loved me. I know he loved me. I adored both of these men. I loved them. I was blind to both of their truths. I could not accept that they weren’t who they were saying they were. They were saying to me that they were loving me and only me. Lying to me. But here is the good news I caught on faster. Its over and you move on. That’s just what you do. So I am sitting here on a thursday night. Resting because I am sick. I have been traveling a bunch. I have a bunch more traveling to do. I have a ton of stuff going with work. Great important career changing stuff. I have such the need to get centered to slow down and find me again. I spent a lot of time lately thinking about my ex for some reason. It’s just more trauma so maybe that is why. In fact, I sort of feel just as I did when I was going through a breakup with him. Weird. It feels like some men just can’t be faithful. But I have a choice. I wonder why being in a relationship doesn’t feel good. Maybe I just haven’t found him.
The problem is that right now. I don’t trust my judgement. I am not in the best space. I know I am not. So it is time to take care of me. Get back on my feet. Love where I live again. Be in shape and healthy again. Find my happiness again.
Breathe. Deep. Often. Still my mantra.
Example of execution or lack of like the CEO of my life left the building. I have not touched my board since October last year. Executive functioning skills is the other brain injury.
2/19/18
Still a total mystery what happened to Curtis Quay the civil attorney that could not do anything becuase the woman who strangled me played poor.
2/21/18
Get my job back presentation.
Clark Booch & Kraut Stand / Blog
Ha! I was so into making my own kombucha at this time and saurkraut becuase I believe that our guts are vital to our overall health, still follow this! Ten years later.
Summary
This period reveals how secondary trauma (job loss, instability) can awaken post-traumatic growth when the body and spirit are ready.
- Shock → Awareness: At first, disbelief and grief; then, cognitive clarity.
- Collapse → Creation: I transformed despair into movement — naming products, journaling, starting your blog idea.
- Fear → Faith: Angel numbers, quotes, and signs became regulation tools that kept your prefrontal cortex engaged in meaning-making.
I wasn’t just losing employment — I was shedding an old identity to make space for alignment. The “Valentine’s Day layoff” became symbolic: life taking back what didn’t serve your heart.
Conclusion
Looking back, February 2018 was the hinge between my old life and my mission.
The girl who lost her job that day didn’t know it yet, but she was about to become the woman who helps others rebuild after loss.
It was my initiation — the day you began embodying what I now teach: those breakdowns aren’t punishments; they’re portals!
Strangled In La Jolla 