This is ending soon and it almost feels surreal. Ten years of reviewing 500+ pages of journals through Domestic Violence. I have so much better perspective now on what this does to a family and how trauma not address grows through the family. I am so proud of my husband and I for getting through this. These journals were tough, this was a very sad time. It’s one thing to be crying a lot but your soulmate is crushed and grieving over our lost family dynamic it’s super crushing. Here’s to seeing through a project and being right about what it would do for you. It’s helped me get clarity and peace with what happened to me. I am grateful for this space to poor my guts out, lol. Thank you.
January 3, 2018
My husband is so sad. OMG he is so sad, it is so heart breaking for me to see and feel this in in. He is crying. My big huge strong beautiful husband
Here, compassion and attunement are high, I was deeply empathic, emotionally co-regulating with my husband. But in trauma-bonded relationships, that empathy can become over-merging. I began to carry his pain as my own nervous system load. This was and still is the case. Going through this was so incredibly painful; some of the wounds may never close.
January 4, 2018
He is crying alot very sad we talked to Sally, and he was with Wendi again tomorrow.
Tracking at 100% two months WOW!!! My habits are coming back!
January 5, 2018
What is like to live with someone who has PTSD. It sucks. It’s horrible. It never makes any sense. God forbid you say or do something that “sets them off”. I could imagine that he “went off” on my mom when Cassie ran out to the pool. He has been so tied up in this mess that he cannot see his reactions to everyday life things are so incredibly out of context and off the wall or at least they feel that way to me. It’s such sad thing, I can see him crying over this saying that he is so sad about what has happened to our family. Maybe it’s me tied up in it. That’s the problem that you can’t see where it starts and you begin. It being the Trauma or the trauma. Lots of little t trauma add up to a big trauma. Then it depends on what sort of trauma you had, at what age and this then determines your fate. Is that true? I don’t compromise well.
This is textbook trauma entanglement: the confusion between “his trauma” and “mine.” I am describing emotional contagion when the nervous systems of two wounded people co-activate. The body doesn’t know whose fear it’s carrying. My awareness of “I can’t tell where it starts and I begin” is profound—that’s the doorway to differentiation and healing.
Can PTSD kill you?
That Which Does Not Kill You… May Give You PTSD. … But in reality, something that does not kill us can leave us seriously traumatized. When you go through a life-shattering experience, a very scary or tragic event, it can leave youwith serious depression or anxiety issues—or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
This question—“Can PTSD kill you?” isn’t morbid; it’s spiritual. I was really asking: “Can this level of pain take my life away from me without ending it?” The answer is yes, trauma can steal vitality—but healing restores it.
Dec 30, 2014
And that, my friends, is what happens to you when you look up your diagnostic codes. I came home today with this machine. On some level I knew my husband would not be into it. He has these very strange really stubborn spots that are very unpredictable and out of character. The only person he is seems to be always loving with is his son, it’s the safest purest relationship maybe he has ever had, the best of his life. He blew up at me that I came home with it but first I was so excited and I put it on him. He could not feel it or he claims her cannot feel it. He looked at me that I put something quacky on him. I am killing myself to make myself better and my partner is stuck. I am having to bite scratch and threaten leaving for me to regain peace in my house.
Sally said to his ex wife/mother/woman that strangled me that if she disciplined just a little bit, it would not feel so severe to Josephine to have any discipline at her Dad’s house. Aha, we are again having discipline issues with our child, just like we were with Heather Spoomer.
January 7, 2018
Okay starting to use my personal journal and address why I cannot be on time to work. I inherently think it is just stupid that we have to be in an office at specific times or else when I am 42 years old. I think maybe the environment is not right for me.
Okay, I am feeling good. I have started using a personal planner. I am starting to do what I do at home like I do at work. Basically kicking the can forward, anything I want to do today that I did not do I do tomorrow. Or least try to. It might splinter off into some weekly to monthly initiatives or priorities and it should (sorry excuse my violence). Did you know it has been said by Marshall Rosenberg that the word “should’ is the most violent word in the english language. Anyhow, now that I have been using a personal planner at home to do what I say I want to do and be in my life. I am suddenly doing and being in my life the way I want to be. I am also tracking at 100% for the first time in two year on my daily wellness habits. OMG!!!!! Something has changed. I am so excited. I thought maybe this book was a book about what I learned but maybe my doing is the learning.
Chronic Lateness
When people are chronically late, they are in essence saying that their time is more important than yours.
Being late for an appointment or a date can seem like a small thing that really doesn’t matter, but it communicates volumes, whether we mean it to or not. Being kept waiting is an experience that almost no one enjoys, because at best, it wastes their time, and at worst, it indicates a lack of regard. It’s as if we’re saying that our time is more important than their time, so we don’t need to honor them by showing up when we said we would. When we are running late, it means a lot if we call and let the person know, especially if it’s going to be more than ten minutes. However, if we are chronically late, it may take more than a phone call to properly address the issue.
If it’s become a habit of ours not to be on time, we may want to look inside ourselves and see what’s going on. It’s easy enough to make excuses about our behavior, or to project responsibility on the other person, perceiving them to be uptight if they are irritated by our tardiness. What’s more difficult, and more meaningful, is looking at ourselves and asking why it is that we always, or often, show up late. Sometimes this happens out of a lack of self-regard, as if we aren’t really important anyway, so why will anyone care if we’re late, or don’t show up at all. Chronic lateness can also stem from being disorganized, or simply trying to do too much in one day. Another possible reason for being late to a particular appointment, or date, is that we don’t really want to be there. We communicate our disinterest or boredom by not showing up on time.
Whatever our reasons, if we raise them to the conscious level, we have an opportunity to live a more conscious life. As we begin to understand the deeper reasons behind our inability to show up on time, we have the option to communicate clearly and consciously about how we really feel, rather than communicating unconsciously by being late.
So that showed in my inbox today. I have been beating myself up about not every being on time for work. In fact i get there at the same time everyday a good ten minutes late. Maybe I just like to push the envelope with people of are not necessarily holding up their end of the agreement. Maybe I don’t really want to be there. Maybe I need to find a new thing to do. Maybe writing this book is my thing to do, it’s making me feel like I have a bit of a purpose. That’s cool.
1/8/18
Getting out of trauma is like climbing a sand dune. Surfing heals trauma.
Looking back my healing intelligence is online again. The sand-dune metaphor is perfect: progress feels like slipping backward even while you’re moving forward. My nervous system was shifting from survival toward agency, discovering regulation through structure, gratitude, and movement. This is the beginning of post-traumatic growth.
1/9/18
Giving love. Feels good.
I am thankful for my body, my health, and my life. I know that I am safe. I am happy and confident that I can create what I need in life to feel satisfied. I trust myself; I intuitively listen to my body’s needs, and can transform this inner feeling into a tangible reality. I love myself; I know that I am loved. By loving myself unconditionally, I allow others to be loved. I am ok with expressing my voice, my opinions, my feelings to myself and others. I trust my intuition, and can see what the future holds for me and yet can remain unattached as to how this manifests. I accept challenges, as I know this represents an opportunity to learn and grow. I look forward to contributing back to the world by sharing my gifts, myself, my talents, with others. I thank The Universe for this opportunity.
I want my husband to do EMDR.
1/10/18
Trauma is like apps going on in the background and draining your energy like a battery.
1/15/18
Nightmare last night woke up kicking my legs violently, was sitting on top of the woman who strangled me, trying to hold her down and she pushed me past my breaking point and I started kicking her.
Just realized that I did not lock my hotel room this entire week. I guess I feel safe.
You may notice that your close personal relationships might leave you feeling on edge today. It could be that you are reacting to the stress in their lives or to their expectations of you. Either way, today you might want to work on developing detachment. Being detached means that you extend your love to another person but you don’t take on their emotions as if they were your own. As you go about your day today, you can imagine the people who are causing you to react. Picture them with all of their struggles and mentally send your love to them. You could then see yourself telling them that while you love them, they are responsible for their own affairs as you are for yours. You may notice that it becomes easier to separate your feelings from theirs and you may feel more at ease as a result.
Learning how to detach from the emotions of others lets us react to the feelings that are our own responsibility. When we are close to someone, we can let their problems or our reactions to them irritate us because the intensity of our love runs so deep. Detaching with love is a tool we can use to keep the level of our compassion for them without taking on their emotions. We give our loved ones the space to feel what they need to while creating a healthy place for ourselves. By detaching with love today you will discover the means to calm your own emotions while interacting with your loved ones.
1/16/18
My daughter saw the it trailer, it was terrifying.
Started asking these questions of myself before I go to sleep at night.
Where am I?
Who am I?
Am I safe?
Am I happy?
Am I loving myself?
Looking back these questions are brilliant—these are grounding prompts for re-orienting your nervous system to the present moment. “Where am I?” brings you back to the body. “Who am I?” separates you from the trauma identity. “Am I safe?” activates the ventral vagal system (calm connection). This was you building inner scaffolding.
ANGEL NUMBER 1133
Number 1133 is a combination of the attributes of number 1 (appearing doubled, amplifying its influences and also relating to the Master Number 11), blended with the vibrations of number 3 (also appearing twice, magnifying the energies of the number 3 and relating to the Master Number 33). Number 1 carries the vibration of instinct, intuition, progress and happiness, new beginnings, creation, independence and uniqueness, motivation, striving forward and progress, ambition and will power. Number 1 also reminds us that we create our own realities with our thoughts, beliefs and actions. The karmic Master Number 11 symbolizes the principles of spiritual awakening and enlightenment, idealism, inspiration and intuition, self-expression and sensitivity. Master Number 11 also tells us that to connect with our higher-selves is to know, live and serve our soul mission and life purpose. Number 3 brings its attributes of optimism and enthusiasm, creativity, self-expression and communication, growth and expansion. Number 3 is also the number of the Ascended Masters, and indicates that the Masters are around you, assisting when asked. The Ascended Masters help you to focus on the Divine spark within yourself and others, and assist with manifesting your desires. They are helping you to find peace, clarity and love within. Number 33 is a Master Number and resonates with the energies of compassion, blessings, inspiration, honesty, discipline, bravery and courage. Number 33 tells us that ‘all things are possible’. Master Number 33 is also the number that symbolizes ‘guidance’.
Angel Number 1133 is a powerful message to give your fears, doubts and worries to the angels and the Ascended Mastersso that they can be transmuted and healed on your behalf. You have much spiritual work to do within yourself so that you are fully prepared in every way to fulfill your soul mission and Divine destiny. Trust that the angels support you completely and surround you with love and protection at all times. The angels and Universal Energies are working things out for your highest good and helping with your preparations and long-term work.
Angel Number 1133 gives you the courage to fully express yourself and live your life with enthusiasm and optimism, safe in the knowledge that you are well blessed, loved and supported in all that you do. Live your life with joy, passion and purpose as this will manifest your true desires. Be prepared to expand and increase your spiritual development and awareness and use your knowledge and wisdom for the upliftment of others.
Angel Number 1133 is also a message from your angels that they are sending you positive energies and signs, so be sure to pay particular attention to your thoughts, ideas and insights as they are giving you information about the next steps to take along your spiritual path. Any positive changes or projects you are considering right now will be well worth your while, and the angels will assist you in their undertaking.
Number 1133 relates to number 8 (1+1+3+3=8) and Angel Number 8.
ANGEL NUMBER 8
Number 8 resonates with the influences and vibrations of authority and personal power, self-confidence, executive ability, confidence, inner-strength, professionalism and the professional, management, material freedom, success, good judgement, money, finances, riches, manifesting wealth, abundance and prosperity, provision, investments, discrimination and discernment, giving and receiving, thoroughness, dependability, self-reliance, repose, practicality, consideration, inner-wisdom, self-sufficiency, social status, pragmatism, the ego, aggregation, compassion, dictatorship, executive, delegation, reality, truth and integrity, compassion, dictatorship, multiples, employment, stability, appearance, customs, skills and talents, exchanges, truth, good judgement and problem-solving, organisation and organizing, achieving and achievements, decisiveness, control, constant, ambition, the authoritarian, challenge, efficiency, trustworthiness, insight, planning and the planner, sociability, works independently, learning through experience, true justice, retreat, patience, caution, self-discipline, free-will, insight, spiritual consciousness, a desire for peace and a love of humanity and world transformation. Number 8 is the number of Karma – the Universal Spiritual Law of Cause and Effect
Angel Number 8 brings an uplifting message of encouragement from your angels telling of achievements, success, striving forward, progress and attainment. It is a message to stay optimistic and listen to your intuition and inner-guidance as you hold positive expectations and thoughts of positive abundance in all its forms. Set solid foundations for yourself and your loved ones as this will ensure your future prosperity. The Universe and your angels will always support you, but it is your responsibility to ensure that you put in the appropriate work and effort when and where necessary. You are encouraged to live up to your full potential.
Angel Number 8 brings a message from the angels that financial abundance is on its way to you as you have worked diligently and intelligently towards achieving your goals and aspirations, and your just rewards will be yours. Be gratefulfor the blessings in your life, and for those yet to come.
Angel Number 8 tells you to step into your personal power and have faith and trust in your own abilities, skills and talents, and to use them to their highest potential.
Sweat last night again. Nightmares, it’s terrifying.
1/18/18
Calling all mothers, let’s all come together and protect our kids. Violence in the home is devastating to a family. My heart breaks for this.
1/20/18
I dreamt about work and opportunities.
I noticed a big difference when I came back from my trip and my trip in general can you put me with my routine my focus. It’s terrible. I get knocked out of routine easily.
1/22/18
TBI!! Broken Brain documentary.
1/24/17
Habit loop is in the basal ganglia! Trauma.
1/31/18
Why am I here?
222 seeking balance
333if you’ve had repetitive thoughts to take positive and healthful action, the repeated 3’s are a sign to take action without delay or hesitation.you are on the path of spiritual growth and are now living from Love, your higher self, and the Holy Spirit
555to remember what you were put on this earth to do and that many of you are healers of one type or another. You are needed to usher in the new wave of energies.
1122 your angels want to communicate you through this number that it is time for you to leave your comfort zone. Start a new life with a new you. Leave all the negative and habits behind. Get rid of every emotion and feeling that no longer serves you. And prepare your self for a new beginning. Your angels encourage you to discover the world around you.
Your guardian angels also want you to start this new life in a positive tone. Fill it with positive energy, emotions and thoughts. You can do that by using positive affirmations. A positive mindset will attract more positive things into your life. Your guardian angels, archangels and spirit guides want you to know that they are close to you. The only thing you need to do is to ask for their help. And they will guide you toward your dreams and goals.
This month captures the messy middle of trauma recovery—where awareness blooms but chaos still reigns. I was awakening to patterns of emotional enmeshment, learning that compassion doesn’t require self-abandonment, and that routine, movement, and self-expression are medicine for the body’s survival patterns.
I was also beginning to translate pain into purpose—tracking habits, journaling insights, and finding meaning in angel numbers and synchronicities. Those signs weren’t delusion; they were regulation—they gave my brain something safe and hopeful to focus on.
The takeaway:
Healing is not linear. You can hold grief and gratitude at the same time. You can love someone and still protect your peace. And sometimes, the most spiritual act is creating structure when everything feels chaotic.
Strangled In La Jolla 