Sometimes healing means letting go of the chaos you kept trying to fix.
It means loving someone enough to stop rescuing them.
My journal from 2017 taught me that peace doesn’t come from being chosen — it comes from choosing yourself.
I realized I wasn’t losing love — I was losing the illusion that I could control it.
That’s when I learned the hardest truth:
You can love someone deeply and still choose peace.
You can stop rescuing. You can stop fawning.
You can stop carrying what was never yours to heal.
I am still trying to make sense of it all. In years of therapy, I can reflect on these journals and summarize.
Clinical Lens Summary
- Stage of Healing: Late-stage disillusionment → boundary formation → early regulation
- Primary Nervous-System States: oscillation between sympathetic activation (anger, hurt) and dorsal shutdown (numbness), followed by ventral re-engagement (insight, creativity)
- Core Themes:
- Disentangling from triangulation and emotional manipulation
- Moving from fawn/appease to self-trust
- Using spirituality and journaling for self-regulation
- Redefining love as contribution, not control
12/7/17
My stepdaughter saying she wants to live with her mother is like Kristine saying go contact Jack (the rapist) when you’re in California I would think right now you feel like I do and can’t help the feeling of disconnectedness after that connection has been severed from those words.
This is the moment of rupture. The attachment bond I worked so hard to build is being torn by triangulation. When a child caught in a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic chooses the other parent, it re-activates older wounds of abandonment and betrayal. The “disconnectedness” described is my nervous system moving into protection — freeze and grief combined.
Oh my love I don’t think she’s saying that to hurt not really she’s confused & manipulated do not take this onto you it’s not your worry all you have done is give your heart as it is all you know let the universe work it out & if it is to be it will don’t accept any of the feelings she is trying to put on you & her Papa she is not to blame she doesn’t yet have the brain capacity she needs to be an adult & the influence of her mother along with manipulation it’s all on the mom & I hate even spelling that evil ones name be at peace knowing you have given all it’s all you could have done seeing as you are a sweet loving woman & always will be ❤️❤️❤️❤️DNA
This is your soothing voice of my beloved friend Grace age 94 — compassionate, spiritual, maternal. She is trying to regulate through reframing (“she’s manipulated, not malicious”). That’s healthy coping — reframing threat as confusion to stay connected to love instead of rage.
“If you have always done it that way it is probably wrong” – Charles
This shows early awareness of pattern-breaking — trauma healing often requires doing something new, even when the familiar feels safer.
My husband speaking to my connection like I have disconnected from everyone but I have let go of the trauma and now I feel differently to everyone around me. I have to disconnect and not stay entangled with my step daughter and her mother’s chaos that is starting with her mother pulling her in.
Here you’re identifying individuation — stepping out of the “trauma triangle.” Disengaging isn’t coldness; it’s boundary work. My system is beginning to seek regulation rather than re-enactment.
12/9/17
I missed taking a picture with my duaghter and Santa to be with my step daughter.
Monday December 11, 2017
Feeling way less activated. I came home and went into room. we talked, she caught me up on school. She feels better. I couldn’t be involved. I had to step back. I was stepping back already but we didn’t realize it. It is amazing the tranformation that is happening. I need to remember my therapy session last Friday we didn’t do EMDR. We talked about my step daughter, he put my mind at ease.
I am starting to notice regulation returning (“way less activated”). That’s a key trauma-recovery moment — the body shifting out of hypervigilance.
12/12/17
Lance
Behavior of feeling offended by someone else actions is a learned behavior.
An early insight into emotional ownership — differentiating between external triggers and internal responses.
12/13/17
The angel numbers became my nervous-system anchors — spiritual regulation cues. Trauma survivors often use symbolic frameworks (numbers, synchronicities, signs) to regain a sense of safety and meaning when life feels chaotic.
ANGEL NUMBER 155
Number 155 is made up of a combination of the attributes of number 1 and the vibrations of number 5 appearing twice, amplifying its influences. Number 1 resonates with the vibrations of new beginnings, inner-strength and tenacity, positivity, attainment and success. Number 1 tells us that we create our realities with our thoughts, beliefs and actions and encourages us to step into the ‘new’ with courage. Number 5 appears twice, amplifying its attributes, which resonate with major life changes, spontaneity, making important life choices and decisions, personal freedom and life lessons learned through experience. Number 155 promotes the freedom to live your Divine life purpose and fully serve your soul mission.
Do not allow others to deter or hinder you in any way once you have made your final choice or decision. Only you know your true heart’s desires and soul calling. Listen to your own intuition and look to new directions and opportunities with an open mind and optimism.
Angel Number 155 suggests that you deserve some positive changes to take place in your life. Have the courage to be true to yourself and life your passions and purpose.
Angel Number 155 is a message to take charge of your own life, do things your own way, and make positive life changes to benefit yourself and those around you. Although you may fear the unknown, your angels ask that you trust that these changes will be to your long-term benefit and advantage. Stay positive and optimistic about these impending changes, and you will find that all will go smoothly.
Angel Number 155 suggests that the timing is right for a new venture, project and/or direction. A happy outcome and result follows your positive expectations
12/14/17
My stepdaughter has left us and her mother did nothing to stop it, help it and only encourage a complete severance from her Father and her other family.
The rupture is complete. This marks both loss and relief — grief and protection intertwining.
12/17/17
Abused child over react to control. My stepdaughter is freaking out over father wanting to control anything in her life. He is being manipulated to be seen as someone different than he is to his daughter by her mother. She was a teenager suddenly with total freedom.
12/19/17
My husband saying that the reason our daughter does not confide in him and only me is because of my undermining him during arguments when he is having an over reaction to something that is harsh and I protect her in front of him and set of doing it off-line
Naming the cycle. The “overreaction to control” line shows deep awareness of trauma reenactment — control and safety are intertwined for both the child and the adults. Everyone’s nervous systems are colliding rather than co-regulating.
12/20/17
My psyche is orienting toward growth again — from survival toward self-expression. This is a natural post-traumatic integration stage. Creative energy starts returning once safety is slowly restored.
ANGEL NUMBER 3030
Number 3030 brings together the energies of number 3 appearing twice, amplifying its influences, as well as the energies of number 0 also appearing twice, magnifying its vibrations. Number 3 is related to growth and expansion, affability, enthusiasm, spontaneity and broadmindedness, optimism and joy, natural talent and skills, creativity, manifesting your desires, self-expression and communication. Number 3 is also associated with the energies of the Ascended Masters. Number 0 represents the Universal Energies, the beginning of a spiritual journey and stands for potential and/or choice, developing spiritual aspects, eternity and infinity, oneness and wholeness, continuing cycles and flow, and the beginning point. Number 0 powerfully amplifies the energies of the numbers it appears with.
Angel Number 3030 brings a message to tap into your natural creativity and create from a place of love as this helps you to connect to your own passions and makes you notice and celebrate the uplifting things in life that nurture and bring you joy. Revel in the happiness that your creativity can bring to yourself and others and do not be afraid or hesitant to put your creative ideas into practice.
Angel Number 3030 encourages you to do things that you know you are good at and enjoy doing. Be creative and do something surprising and wonderful. Use your unique talents and skills to bring joy to your life and allow it to radiate outwards. Have fun and enjoy spending time with those who nurture, love and support you, and spread that happiness everywhere you go.
Angel Number 3030 tells you to commit to something that you truly enjoy and love doing as this allows you to tune-in to the creative energies within you. Fully express yourself and your truths as personal expression means being true to yourself, doing what you feel you need to, doing what you want to, and showing the world your unique individuality.
Make the most of each and every moment, as it is in the present that you receive your presents.
12/29/17
This letter is profound. I am modeling secure attachment: “I still love you even if you leave.” You’re teaching what emotional accountability looks like — love without ownership. That’s trauma-informed parenting at its highest form. Here, exhaustion meets clarity. This is boundary setting born from self-preservation. When you’ve been chronically gas-lit, choosing peace over proximity is healing.
I am sorry that it’s taking me so long to get over what happened when you ignored us at the game and decided you wanted to live at your moms because I didn’t want you to wear something inappropriate to school. My feelings are still hurt so it makes me feel uncomfortable. I want you to live where you will be happiest and thrive in your life. I want you to be excited about making things happen in your life and achieving your goals. Wherever that is works because I’m happy when you are happy. We are loving with the people we love when we are happy if our actions are not loving something is wrong with us not them. I’ve learned to not talk to you in the morning because you don’t like to talk to me in the morning. If I come across angry I’m not, there are still things you don’t know yet and you still need help remembering to do things. Have a good day.
We don’t want you to belong to us we want to contribute to you seeing love clearly.
Love you. MA
12/29/31
When you’re here it doesn’t feel that you want to be here. You are disgruntled and defensive every single morning. You are not nice to Sage a lot of the time, you confront and overreact to your dad at everything he says to you, you’re using words as weapons, you dig in your heels all week about taking care of your chores and never do them without having to be asked and when you do them you have a major attitude about it, you know that we have rules and you are blatantly trying to break them to the max at your moms house making some risky behavior choices for your life that make you a liability for us that if something were to happen it would ruin our lives financially but your mother can handle it. So rather you be here Aggravated agitated and unhappy here and making us all unhappy. We would rather you be happy at your moms house.
Looking back, I can see this was the moment I began to wake up. What felt like rejection was really redirection — a pull back toward myself. I was so entangled in other people’s emotions that I couldn’t hear my own truth anymore. When I finally stopped trying to manage everyone’s pain, I started healing my own.
This entry marks the beginning of me learning how to detach with love, to let the universe work things out without losing myself in the chaos. It’s where I started understanding that love isn’t control, peace isn’t avoidance, and boundaries aren’t punishment — they’re protection.
Strangled In La Jolla 