Healing from trauma isn’t neat. It’s not a straight line from broken to better. It’s a jagged, looping, confusing path where some days you feel whole again, and other days you can’t even suck through a straw or remember what you read in an email.
I want to share my real journal entries from July–September 2017, and also what I now understand about them. This is for anyone in the messy middle — so you know you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling isn’t weakness. It’s survival.
07/05/17
Nothing to report
7/18/17
1:11
2:22
11:22
Same day. I am so in my head all I see are numbers.
Reflection: When the world feels chaotic, survivors often find patterns in numbers, signs, angel messages. Trauma strips away predictability. So seeing numbers gave me a sense of order and hope, that maybe the universe still had a plan. This wasn’t me being “crazy.” This was me coping.
7/19/17
Still cannot suck through a straw well.
Reflection: Physical reminders of trauma can show up in the smallest things. Something as ordinary as drinking through a straw becomes a painful marker of what happened to your body. These are neurologically significant, they show how strangulation injury can affect motor control, speech, and auditory processing. They’re also reminders that trauma isn’t just emotional , it literally rewires the nervous system and body.
The repetition of headaches, migraines, and “noise in the head” is classic PTSD plus neurological trauma. These aren’t random complaints; they’re the body’s way of saying, I’m still trying to process danger.
7/24/17
Re asked the same email at work
7/25/17
We all went to San O Tuesday, this is helping getting around other good people.
Reflection: Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Trauma wants to keep you stuck, silent, and alone. But community with safe, supportive people acts like medicine. That day at the beach wasn’t just fun. It was therapy.
7/28/17
DO/PHYSICAL THERAPY NOTES
Weekend felt really good
6/6
Monday: yoga omg
Tuesday: not as sore but PT gave me a headache not super sore
Wednesday:sore from yesterday high c1
Thursday: not super sore no major headache until driving saw Anderson major adjustment
Friday: nauesa is better, sore on right side nothing super major little headache after work starting to get stiff
Saturday: nothing major right little headache
Sunday: tight nothing major lots of game playing with Sage relaxing
Monday 6/12: right side super tight
Busy week
Thursday 6/15: headache after stiff tight
Thursday 6/22
C1 hypo mobile sore after PT and Anderson headache
Friday 6/23
Really sore right side C1/2 headache
Tuesday 6/27/17
Headache super sore
7/27/17
Noise in head is worse when I am tired I think
7/27/17
Neurology Appt:
-noise in head
-headaches pattern is changing
-4 major migraines since last
-14 physical therapy visits
-ulnar nerve he was right
-waiting for speech pathology, Phoenitic paraphasia, auditory processing and executive functioning
-started Tumeric and CBD oil for inflammation, pain management
-just started fish oil
Came back.
7/28/17- 1 hour after meds, slightly better not gone
8/3/17
Wow completely lost this morning and yesterday I completely did not understand what was being said and I’m too embarrassed to ask someone to explain it
Last night my step daughter started strangling herself with the pull up bands and talking about what really happens when you do something court.
August 9, 2017
Reflection: Trauma doesn’t just hurt the survivor…it ripples through families. Blended families already carry complexity, and violence plus court battles magnify distrust. What I see now is that we weren’t broken people, we were people in pain. Naming that helped me step back from blame and see the bigger picture.
We are in Seattle. All of us. It feels exhausting to be together when my stepson is around us. It’s like there is an elephant in the room. There is always this weird look that he gives me and I feel like he looks at me with disdain. We cannot talk about anything real, and there is this level of distrust that we have. But then there are times that he says that only because of me and how I taught him to manage money that I have contributed positively to his life. I cried in the car because our dynamic feels like it has changed forever. People love to say that it isn’t but we are changed forever. It is painful for my husband to be around his son right now sometimes because things are so different. We cannot connect on a heart level because it is too painful to talk about it. With his girlfirend staying away from us since Thanksgiving last year and clearly she has taken the side of his mother and is believing everything she says. My husband’s EX has scarred us forever. My husband says that is the PTSD talking and the fact that we are still talking about it means we still have it. But I feel it is hard considering that my neck still has severe pain spots in it and every time it hurts I am reminded of what has happened to our lives. While we are in Seattle now for a family reunion / vacation we have talked about it a bit more than we wouldas some of our family has not known what has happened. That stirs up a lot of stuff. My husband just stews lately in negative emotions especially regarding his relationship with his son it’s so hard we seem to be constantly at each other’s throats.
(Ugh, even I say it at our throats!)
ANGEL NUMBER 555
Number 555 is comprised of the number 5 appearing tripled, making 555 a powerful number with its energies and attributes of being three-fold, amplified and reinforced. Number 555 carries the strong vibrations of making decisions and life choices, personal freedom and individuality, cleverness and intelligence, adaptability and versatility, life lessonslearned through experience and resourcefulness,
opportunity and expansion, spontaneity, life changes and new opportunities, adventure, curiosity, challenges, idealism, action and activity.
Angel Number 555 tells of significant and necessary changes happening in your life that have been Divinely inspired and guided. These changes will bring about long-awaited circumstances and results and will fully align you with your true Divine life purpose and soul mission.
Angel Number 555 is a message from your angels that it is time to let go of the ‘old’ that is no longer positively serving you. Trust that they will be replaced with ‘better’. Release old doubts, fears and perceived obstacles, and if feeling any fears or confusion, ask for support and guidance from your angels. Know that your angels are with you, always.
Keep a positive attitude and mind-set about the ‘new’ entering your life and keep an open mind as to the opportunities presenting themselves. Remember that everything happens for a reason and nothing happens by chance. Even though the reason/s for the changes may not be clear at this point in time, trust that all will fall into place for you. These changes have come about so that you can break free from old restraints and constraints and freely pursue your soulpurpose as a spiritual being.
Angel Number 555 suggests that major life changes are taking place in many areas of your life. Trust that these changes are for both your immediate and long-term benefit. The angels ask that you ‘go with the flow …’
8/12/17
Neighborhood drama, with my stepdaughter coming in the house saying some tried to hit her and video tapping her thenthe daughter of the neighbor coming over and berating me saying that police were never called into the neighborhood until we moved in. So hurtful she was.
Reflection: This is the cruelty of stigma. Survivors don’t just suffer in private they get punished in public. It’s the added trauma of being misunderstood, blamed, or judged. This is why so many stay silent.
8/13/17
The moon when we go to tonight is so pretty, a special gift, Seattle trip was good to be around each other and spend time with each other.
8/15/17
Excited brain does not work well.
8/17/17
I am starting to remember who I am and what I stand for that I’m in control of my own destiny ultimately my attitude affects everything and when I think back to when I was really really injured and my head hurt really really bad I am reminded of them the therapists that are used to feel better and and new therapy but I’m going to continue to use but I can see how any doctor could have thought there was nothing wrong with me because I give off the energy that I’m OK and then ultimately I am OK. I am always OK no matter what happens to me and I will never die nothing can ever hurt me nothing can ever wait take away my power because I am so powerful and full of life and I will continue to be authentic and speak my truth in real time.
Reflection: This is the heartbeat of post-traumatic growth. Trauma changed me forever, but it didn’t erase me. It revealed strength I didn’t know I had. Power doesn’t mean never hurting … it means refusing to disappear.
August 22, 2017
My step daughter told me she knew it was me screaming.
Reflection: Children hear more than we think. They carry their own trauma responses, sometimes silently. When my stepdaughter acknowledged she remembered my screams, it was devastating but it was also truth-telling. Her reality matched mine. That matters.
August 29,2017
Lance and I called Richard, the guy is a total joke. He has no recollection of the case he gets all the names mixed up and exaggerates the amount he spent on the fees. What a hoax that turned out to be.
8/31/17
My step daughter got the dress to wear in front of her mom after a big fight over leaving her at Brandy Melville and her mom refusing to get her a dress. She wanted to teach her a lesson and leave. Then to prove a point she gets the dress.
7/7/17
Conversation with Vik, terrible. Unblocked everyone on social media.
September 8,2017
My step duaghter said if I didn’t go to the game her mom could.
7/10/17
Have cold sores in my mouth from the stress and they will not heal.
Spoke to Grace today, she told me this trauma is a gift.
Reflection: Stress manifests in the body. It’s not “just in your head.” And while I’m not sure I’d call it a “gift,” what Grace saw was this: trauma strips you down, but in the rebuilding you can discover truth, compassion, and power you never imagined.
These journals are messy. They don’t resolve into a neat ending. And that’s the point. Trauma healing isn’t clean. It’s human.
If you’re here too in the middle of migraines, strained family dinners, and nights where you only see numbers please know this: you’re not broken. You’re becoming.
Strangled In La Jolla 