There was a time when my body spoke a language of pain I didn’t understand. A time when every headache, spasm, and wave of nausea carried a message I didn’t yet know how to decode. These journal entries are from that time — the weeks and months after I survived strangulation. This wasn’t at the hands of a romantic partner. It was my husband’s ex-wife. And because I was a stepmother in California, I wasn’t protected by the domestic violence laws meant to help people like me. So I wrote. Through court proceedings, medical visits, and days when it felt like I was unraveling from the inside out — I wrote.
A Body That Remembers
Pain was my first language after trauma. My neck felt unstable. My spine was loud. Buzzing in my head. Numbness in my shoulder. I documented it not because I was obsessed with it, but because I was scared I’d forget it — scared that if I didn’t write it down, no one would believe it ever happened. My injuries were invisible. The damage, deep.
The Unseen War
“Her mom confessed to what she did to me. A push on the shoulders.” (5/09/17)
It wasn’t just the physical pain. It was the gaslighting. The legal system failing. The way even people in our own circle made light of it or erased it completely. I wasn’t just fighting to get better. I was fighting to be believed. I was fighting to stay sane in the middle of courtrooms, parenting dynamics, and a world that didn’t know how to hold space for a story like mine.
A Spirit Still Speaking
Throughout these journal entries, I kept noticing angel numbers — 2112, 444, 787. They felt like small lights on the path. My soul knew I was undergoing something bigger than injury. I was becoming. I was being torn open to remember who I am beneath the pain.
Angel Number 2112: “Allow for the old to be replaced with the new.”
Angel Number 444: “All is well. Trust that you are on your life path.”
Angel Number 787: “Things will begin to flow more easily in your life from now on.”
Reading those now, I cry. Not because I’m still in the same place — but because I’m not.
Becoming Someone New
“I’m not the same, but that is not to say who I am becoming is not better.” (06/2027 journal reflection)
These entries hold the truth of a woman trying to make sense of a broken body and a broken system. But they also hold the whispers of a woman who refused to break. The headaches, the spasms, the heartbreak, the fear — they were all part of my becoming. And now, I share them because someone else is probably walking through their own version of this. Maybe that someone is you.
Here is the raw entries:
05/01/17
Therapist, why don’t you like to talk about it? Ugh.
I am so nauseous, my right hip is screaming, and my eyes are clogged. Super fatigued.
05/02/17
Headache top left
05/03/17
Saw the neurologist yesterday, which was encouraging. Finally, I wasn’t in a position to cry my eyes out while there, trying to explain what happened to my body. My neck still feels very unstable. We found out who her defense attorney is going to be.
05/04/17
Headache, weird buzzing sensations
Title of my book…
It’s not my fart!
Big headache coming all day, just took pills, two of them.
05/05/17
The headache last night took 100mg, and I felt ridiculously out of it. Had I been alone, I would have passed out at 6
The neurologist mentioned mood 😔
05/07/17
My stepdaughter’s mom brought her late to school.
Her friends’ parents are being idiots about her coming to our house for the birthday party, and then they forgot to pick her up. Then her mom took her money. Nonstop drama.
05/09/17
Headache temples buzzing
No productivity tracker since 4/20, too much pain to keep up 😞
My stepdaughter came home today and told me her mom confessed to what she did to me. A push on the shoulders. That was a bit infuriating.
Her mom took her money, then promised her to fix her phone and didn’t, then told her she needs to do something that will make her cry for her birthday.
05/11/17
Headache, shoulder, and neck are in a lot of pain.
ANGEL NUMBER 2112
Number 2112 is a combination of the energies of number 2 appearing twice, as well as number 1 also appearing twice, amplifying their influences. Number 2 resonates with service and duty, balance and harmony, insight, adaptability, diplomacy and co-operation, consideration and receptivity, fulfilment and happiness, faith and trust, and serving your life purpose and soul mission. Number 1 signifies assertiveness, independence, uniqueness, motivation, striving forward, new beginnings, positivity, and achieving success. Number 1 encourages us to step out of our comfort zone and step towards new directions and opportunities.
Angel Number 2112 brings a message from your angels not to be hindered or held back by old habits and/or patterns that need to be changed for your benefit. Allow for the ‘old’ to be replaced with the ‘new’ and look to upcoming events and experiences with high expectations, as they will bring about favourable and positive effects that will help with achieving your goals and aspirations. Stay focused on your highest expectations as the angels and Universal Energies work behind the scenes, helping you to manifest your wants and needs, goals, and desires.
Angel Number 2112 also encourages you to pursue your life purpose and mission, not just because of the mission itself, but also for the offshoots that develop in your pursuit of them. In working and serving your purpose, you are blazing trails that can be utilized by others. Your life purpose and soul mission are divinely important and have far-reaching effects, as it is possible for just one individual to act as a catalyst for the transformation of many.
As one step leads to another, you have it within your power to influence your future circumstances by your present conduct. Affirm, meditate, and visualize to create a better life for yourself and others with balance, self-confidence, and optimism.
05/13/17
Write about telling my step-daughter information I need to get out.
05/14/17
We need to report the step dad for animal abuse because he is hurting their dog aggressively and hitting me and I think he is doing more than just that because he dragged the dog into his office slammed the door and then my step daughter say she heard him whimpering And right before that when he grabbe the dog super harshly to drag him and the dog snapped at his hand (she says he is not a aggressive dog and I have never seen him like this) she told us her step dad is hurting him and hitting him and abusing him.
05/15/17
My daughter got sunburned. I’m so bummed, I do not feel like a good mom these days.
Physical Therapy:
SORE!! Left more than right
Headache on the right side and nauseous
Recital bull shit coming up again. Ugh.
Sharing a child with anyone is horrible.
I can’t get away from it.
05/16/17
Dr. Karen Cross Notes:
Need to write about telling my step-daughter information about what happened.
Feeling super unmotivated to finish
05/17/17
Memory bad, Maddie just told, and I forgot, ugh.
ANGEL NUMBER 511
Number 511 is a combination of the numbers 5, 1, and the vibration of the karmic number 11, with the number 1 appearing twice. Number 5 encourages us to be true to ourselves and live our lives accordingly, and resonates with personal freedom, making positive life choices and important changes, variety and versatility, adaptability, resourcefulness, motivation, and progress.
Number 1 adds its attributes of motivation, being positive, ambition, progress, inspiration, fulfilment, and happiness. The karmic Master Number 11 signifies creativity to be used productively and symbolizes the principles of spiritual awakening and development. The Master Number 11 tells us that to connect with our higher selves and live our Divine life purpose and soul mission.
Angel Number 511 is an important message from your angels about auspicious changes and new beginnings in your life. These changes have come about through your intentions and actions to better your life and incorporate a more spiritual approach. The angels encourage you to make those changes as per your soul’s promptings and intuitive urgings.
Angel Number 511 suggests that some karmic life changes are ahead of you, or are occurring in your life right now. Your angels want you to remain courageous and positive throughout these transitions. They support and surround you with love and healing.
When Angel Number 511 appears repeatedly, it is a message that your intentions are manifesting rapidly; therefore, keep your thoughts and focus optimistic. Maintain a positive attitude about the changes happening in your life. Old and negative habits, patterns, and beliefs are being replaced with new, more positive ones, and this attracts and manifestsfurther positive energies and opportunities for you. Relax and go with the flow …
Huge headache, took drugs.
Dr. Henshaw notes:
Thursday night, my neck was sore, especially that spot.
Friday – headache, lower back, Pinchie, lots of movement awareness to the spot using oils, lots of massage, lots of bowel movements, weird stomach feels weird
Saturday- lots of pain in hunched back and right arm still hurts a lot, taking drugs, pooping is suddenly very easy
Yoga Sunday tough class…feeling muscle spasm in the side above the sore hip
Monday- muscle spasms in the side, nauseous, rotation better, still hurts like hell on the tail end, right spine ending, screaming, lots of pooping, nauseous.
Tuesday- almost a full rotation with little pain!! Lots of movement in the neck, the whole thing cracked all the way 😳stomach is uneasy.
Adjustment 2 Thursday 5/4/17
Thursday night- big headache, took drugs, limited mobility, feel sick, neck is super stiff
Friday- woke up feeling better, definitely less pain in right shoulder, breathing differently, very different.
Saturday- stiff! Good rotation in the arm! No headache upon waking up
Sunday is better, but twinging, sharp shooting right side, yoga is going to make me sore.
Monday -headache, sharp twinges of pain in the right eye, I’m so sore.
Tuesday- lots of movement in between shoulders, headache, temples, standing taller, longer
Wednesday- neck is super sore to the left, so tight and pinched. Her mom is making fun of my neck, tightening it, and I cry
Thursday-Headache, shoulder in a lot of pain, neck hurts, crying on the way to work, feeling shitty, neck feels tired.
Friday- not sleeping well, headache, neck is super tight, hurts to the left ear to shoulder, back, right shoulder numb, hurts to rotate lots of really sensitive spots on back, nauseous, ringing in ears, still but slightly better, feeling posture is getting easier
No pull-ups, no handstands, no downward dogs, no surfing, no yoga since Sunday, just walking and rebounder, and shoulder still hurts like hell 😔
5/15/17
Recital bullshit coming up again, Ugh. Sharing a child with anyone is horrible. I cannot get away from it.
05/18/17
So tired, buzzing is bad, feel shitty
Canities Subita: Can Hair Whiten Overnight? – The Atlantic
My hair is turning white.
05/19/17
The video is showing wedding videos of her and her ex on Mother’s Day 😳
Step-daughter is not supportive of her sister, which is very out of character
Memory/relationship issues
05/20/17
Sore throat for
Days
I guess I’ve been dealing with depression, per Karen Cross
Stepdaughter overheard her stepdad talking to her about a mutual friend, someone in modeling, and he talked about the event.
05/22/17
Fell off my wagon again, pain and suffering
Panic and fear triggered by Jonathan taking out his frustrations on me and Sage 😥
Neck is sore from yoga, tight to the right.
The stepdaughter is not being taken care of.
WORD ISSUES:
Arm/hair
Not/now
Another/mother
Left: out are, be, it, an, to, had
Clink/click
Are/here
When/where
Fart/fault
Okay/order
The/he
Figured/fixed
Computer/commuter
Remember/forget
As/at
It/of
Like/think
Know/now
Just leaving words out altogether
Umbrella/elastic
Buster/buyer
Think/like
ANGEL NUMBER 444
Number 4 resonates with the vibrations of the Archangels, practicality and responsibility, productivity, illumination and initiation, building solid foundations, stability and ability, honesty and inner-wisdom, determination and endurance, hard work and progress. Number 4 also represents our passion and drive, and encourages us to work harmoniously yet diligently to achieve our goals and aspirations. Number 4 is also the number that represents the four elements of Air, Fire, Water, and Earth, and the four sacred directions, North, South, East, and West. With three 4’s appearing, the influences and energies of the number 4 are magnified and enhanced.
Angel Number 444 asks that you pay attention to your intuition and inner wisdom, as your connection with your angels and the angelic realm is very strong at this time. You are encouraged to continue on your current path, as your drive and determination will lead to success and fulfilment.
Angel Number 444 is a message that the angels and Archangels are with you, encouraging and guiding you. They are offering you positive energies, inner-strength, and
support to enable you to get the work done that you need to. They know and understand that you have been toiling diligently towards your goals, and encourage you to continue on your current path to achieve the success and results you desire. Use your strong connection with the angelic realm to your benefit and be open to their promptings and messages.Listen to your intuition and follow its guidance.
Angel Number 444 is a message that you have nothing to fear regarding your life, work, and Divine life purpose. When you take positive action towards your highest intentions, aspirations, and goals, the Universe works in your favour and helps you to establish solid foundations and advance you along your path. Know that the angels surround and support you, encouraging you to keep up the good work you have been doing.
Angel Number 444 brings a message that ‘all is well’. Trust that you are on your correct life path and are doing a great job. The angels and Archangels are available for help and guidance – all you need to do is ask.
Number 444 relates to number 3 (4+4+4=12, 1+2=3) and Angel Number 3.
05/23/17
Step-daughter in cheer, so exciting
My daughter is telling all
About me getting strangled
05/24/17
Headaches from PT and DO
Nauseous
Overwhelmed since I started working
Headache and soreness between the upper shoulders.
05/30/17
My daughter is telling me what happened to me this night, so sad.
05/31/17
So tired. Headache eyes
06/06/17
Headache
06/07/17
787 days, it is the first day that I’m out on a walk with Biggie after a very long time of not taking Biggie on walks again, and I posted a video of him at the park at night
ANGEL NUMBER 787
Number 787 is a blend of the vibrations and energies of number 7 and number 8, with the mystical number 7 appearing twice, magnifying its influences. Number 7 is the number of inner-knowing and understanding others, spiritual awakening, compassion for others, study, learning and education, introspection and deep contemplation, empathic and psychic abilities, dignity and refinement, and persistence of purpose. Number 8 encourages dependability and self-reliance, stability and self-sufficiency, discernment, achievement, practicality, decisiveness, and giving and receiving.Number 8 also relates to the concept of karma, the Universal Spiritual Law of Karma.
Angel Number 787 brings a message from the angels that you are to focus upon your spiritual path and look to interests that resonate with your soul’s calling. It may also be suggesting that you take up more substantial spiritual practices and consider a spiritually-based career, or a service-based project or venture. As you pursue and serve your Divine life purpose, you will manifest ample supply to take care of your material wants and needs.
Angel Number 787 is a sign that you have learned how to successfully interpret Divine guidance and have incorporated it into your daily life and lifestyle choices. Your angels encourage you to keep up the good work you have been doing and trust that you will have all that you need to sustain and maintain you along your soul’s journey.
Angel Number 787 is a message of acknowledgement for your hard work and efforts, and the angels applaud your life choices. Continue on your path as you grow with spiritual development and find success in the material/physical world.
Angel Number 787 may be indicating that you may be feeling as though a part of your life is coming to an end, such as a relationship or job. Angel Number 787 is validation that your feelings are correct, so prepare yourself for the changes to come.
Angel Number 787 heralds positive news about forthcoming positive changes involving the completion or ending of an intense situation. Things will begin to flow more easily in your life from now on. This may be on a monetary and financial level.
Number relates to the Master Number 22 (7+8+7=22, 2+2=4) and Angel Number 22 on the higher plane, and number 4and Angel Number 4 on the lower plane.
Been listening to a lot of videos about PTSD and healing from trauma, and it’s hard because you completely lose your entire concept of who you are as a person, your identity gets ripped away from you. The reality that our lives are trulynever going to be the same, this isn’t really a reality yet that still is sinking in, we are still getting used to our lives not being the same. Our relationships are not the same, and our relationship is not the same. I am not the same, but that is not to say that who we are turning into on the other side of that is not going to be a better version of ourselves. I am already a better version of myself. I just have a lot more pain and discomfort than I used to lol. I have recently been confronted with the idea that I am getting in the way of my body healing because I’m so used to being injured, and this was such a hugepsychological trauma, but emotionally, I’ve identified with being traumatized; it is not being traumatized that feels unfamiliar. It is not being in a muscle spasm that feels unfamiliar and painful.
If you’re navigating the long tail of trauma — physically, emotionally, or spiritually — I hope you find something in these words that helps you feel less alone. Healing isn’t linear, and some days will feel like going backward. But you are never starting over. You are always returning… to yourself, to truth, to light.
Strangled In La Jolla 