There are seasons of life that feel like one long trigger.
Fall of 2016 was one of those seasons.
I was waking up early—too early—exhausted from my daughter’s tears the night before. She had been called a baby at school and didn’t know how to process the shame of that label. Honestly, neither did I. It cracked something in me. I had what I now recognize was a PTSD attack. My nervous system fired from zero to sixty in seconds. Panic. Dread. Heart racing. Full collapse.
This is how trauma lives in the body—it doesn’t knock. It storms in.
I was deep in the mess of co-parenting while trying to rebuild myself. And there’s no manual for that.
The problem is, when you’re still healing from trauma, your capacity is limited—but the expectations of motherhood, marriage, and stepfamily dynamics don’t pause. In healthy co-parenting, both sides recognize the child’s emotional experience as the north star. But when there’s conflict, or emotional manipulation from one household, the child often becomes the battleground. That’s what we were in.
It was exhausting.
Therapists talk a lot about the “parallel parenting” model when traditional co-parenting becomes high-conflict. You create structured boundaries, limit emotional exposure, and focus entirely on your lane—your home, your rules, your stability. I didn’t know it then, but that’s exactly what I was craving: structure. Safety. Permission to opt out of the chaos.
But I wasn’t there yet.
Instead, I kept writing.
I kept noticing.
I kept showing up. It’s messy but it’s mine.
10/2/16
Up super early my daughter cried all night last night about missing me and being called a baby girl in class and I hope bunch of other stuff I had what had to be a PTSD attack and cried my eyes out that he is hurting Cory is coming all makes sense maybe this is what PTSD is that there’s you go to zero 60 in a matter of no time and you pulled right back into that feeling of complete panic and despair. The girlfriend of my stepson is telling us that her mom is coming to visit and that she wants to meet us and a little side note saying if we will meet with her.
10/4/16
My recovery needs some work, noticing that I’m really tired takes me a long time today it’s back think I pushed beyond the limit this past six weeks I need to going to court and the stress of all the stuff certain
10/8/16
You would hire an auto mechanic to fix your car. You would pay an ER doctor to fix a broken bone. What’s holding you back from paying a Parent Coordinator to fix a broken co-parenting relationship?
10/9/16
Louise Hay:
SINUS PROBLEMS: Irritation to someone, usually someone close to you.
Affirmation: I choose to declare peace and harmony with all the individuals around me. I surround my self with love and goodwill.
SPASMS: I release all restrictions, and I am free to be me.
Affirmation: I release, I relax and let go. I am safe in life.
October 10, 2016
Dealing with Disappointment
A Bridge to Acceptance
The gift of disappointment is to bring us into reality so we don’t get stuck in the realm of how things might have been.
Whenever we do something in life with an expectation of how we’d like it to turn out, we risk experiencing disappointment. When things don’t go the way we had envisioned, we may feel a range of emotions from slightly let down to depressed or even angry. We might direct our feelings inward toward ourselves, or outward toward other people or the universe in general. Whether we feel disappointed by ourselves, a friend, or life in general, disappointment is always a tough feeling to experience. Still, it is a natural part of life, and there are many ways of dealing with it when we find ourselves in its presence.
As with any feeling, disappointment has come to us for a reason, and we don’t need to fear acknowledging it or feeling it. The more we are able to accept how we are feeling and process it, the sooner we will move into new emotional territory. As we sit down to allow ourselves to feel our disappointment, we might want to write about the experience of being disappointed—the situation that preceded it, what we were hoping would happen, and what did happen. The gift of disappointment is its ability to bring us into alignment with reality so that we don’t get stuck for too long in the realm of how things might have been.
As we consider other disappointments in our life and how we have moved past them, we may even see that in some cases what happened was actually better in the long run than what we had wanted to happen. Disappointment often leaves us feeling deflated with its message that things don’t always turn out the way we want. The beauty of disappointment, though, is that it provides us a bridge to its other side where the acceptance of reality, wisdom, and the energy to begin again can be found.
10/14/16
555 again
10/17/16
The stress of all this is paralyzing.
Conversation at our friend’s with my stepson and his girlfriend. I’ve the weekend with that now. Ugh we just can never get away from it.
10/18/16
Didn’t sleep well last night woke up super tired my right shoulder blade hurts a lot my own right spot behind my ear hurts a lot I thought he felt heavy did not feel vibrant and happy to be at headache how does one away feeling a little blah I was like a slight vibration throughout my whole body which almost reads as anxiety. The moon is beautiful.
10/26/16
Neck is really sore after doing yoga last seven weeks work it been a big adjustment lots of muscle tension in the neck and shoulder to resulting in lots of headaches.
It’s become this thing that we don’t talk about because if we talk about it and makes their mom look bad but in thatprocess, I don’t get to share my life experience which is still in paired by what happened and the people closest to me catch her in that.
10/29/16
Kelly sleepover with our daughter losing her elf guy and what he was wearing
11/9/16
Why You Need to Journal If You Are Co-Parenting — Karen Becker Your parenting after divorce headquarters.
11/13/16
My daughter told me she hates me 😔
Got sick very sore throat
My husband went through his daughter’s phone. He is upset by it which makes me upset. Then I couldn’t get into my phone and lost my mirror cleaner. He jumped down my throat about cooking the chicken then I sure got snippy about my phone but when I asked him if he was in a bad mood about going through her stuff he said no. I can’t handle knowing what kind of relationship they have with her.
11/14/16
Throat: Avenue of expression. Channel of creativity. – Throat Problems: The inability to speak up for one’s self. Swallowed anger. Stifled creativity. Refusal to change. – Sore throat: Holding in angry words. Feeling unable to express the self.Sinus Problems: Irritation with one person, someone close
11/15/16
Old note about learning my stepdaughter is dating her moms,
11/16/16
Huge breakdown on the way to work.
Everyone is sick Santa Ana’s give us sinus infections.
11/20/16
Such drama, my stepdaughter is at her mom’s and feeling terrible. Her mom said she would take her to the doctor yesterday but her brother had a playdate.
11/23/16
Hi, good morning!
Is there any way Dr. A can see me first among all of us first in line? I need to get to work and it’s the only time I can get in before Thanksgiving.
I need him to re-check my neck an old injury he has been treating since May 2015, I can hardly lift my right arm.
Please!! 😀
November 24, 2016
It is Thanksgiving Day, and my husband is a stress ball. He is not being authentic and speaking his truth with his son. It is awful, when will we be past this?
November 28, 2016
Everyone is getting better.
Ugh, my husband saw someone we know in the water surfing. I recently saw her Dad in the water. I would see him quite often in 2015 surfing at Little Point, where I caught my best wave on my littlest board. She was friendly with my husband in the water. Our old ex-friend was in the water that day too. She didn’t stay around for long though. When I saw her Dad in the water he did notice that he had not seen me for a while. I stayed on the surface of the conversation because I did not know what he knew or not. Quite frankly I do not doubt that our old ex-friend has told anyone she could about her courageous efforts to save my husband’s poor ex-wife and her kids from my big bad husband. She even went as far as to send my stepson letters that the family had written regarding my stepdaughter’s well-being to read. We also found out that my stepson’s girlfriend told my stepdaughter…”Hey, did you know that your mom moved out of the house when she was 14? Don’t tell her I told you!” WTF? It is outstanding that 597 days since this happened we are still dealing with some level of bull shit from this woman.
November 29, 2016
It is so frustrating to witness my husband co-parent his children with his ex. My stepson made a comment to his sister about being sorry that she is in the middle of “them”. THEM?! WTF? Seriously. It makes me want to spit. First of all, there would have had to be some sort of contact for there to be the opportunity to be in the middle of two people yes? Maybe what is getting worked up is that I don’t like getting blamed for putting my stepdaughter in a compromised situation. I think it is misleading.
11/30/16
Assistant Principal Nash at Muirlands had lunch with my husband’s ex, so manipulative.
Looking back, that season cracked me open.
It made me raw and real. It taught me that healing isn’t linear. That parenting with PTSD is possible—but it requires extreme self-care. That co-parenting isn’t about “getting along.” It’s about creating safety. For the kids, and for yourself.
To anyone in the thick of it:
You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. You’re healing.
And healing takes the long road.
Strangled In La Jolla 