Writing is so healing and I will continue to get this all out. I encourage everyone who has gone through a big trauma to write it out. It gets it all out of you, it’s a transfer of energy that needs to happen for you to heal. It puts your partially processed feelings into a fully processed state.
Looking back at these entries I see myself healing and coming back to myself. It’s so worth it for me to go back and read through this. I am so grateful for my journaling habit it’s personal data about yourself. I can see myself finding my way back to healthy happy habits. I also see myself still hurting, but starting to be a mom again and being able to get out of my head to observe how it was affecting my daughter.
Court, criminal court, family court it’s all one big joke. This woman was convicted in Criminal Court and was allowed to go to Family Court and say she didn’t do it. Court has nothing to do with right or wrong or justice. I mean that’s a generalization and maybe I am being harsh but it’s all a scale and a game and those who know how to play the game best win. So if you are naive, like we were to all of it you lose, although we don’t lose. But it’s this is okay with me. I don’t care. Ultimately the courts are not what we humans have to answer to. We have to answer to ourselves, our reflection, and our minds at night when it gets quiet and we have only ourselves to sit with. I am proud of the life I have lived, I have not hurt anyone. I have never physically put my hands on another person and hurt them. If I have ever hurt anyone emotionally I have apologized. I have apologized for things I didn’t do. I am a good person, I sleep well at night.
Here are my journals:
4/1/16
I embrace my role as both healer and one that healed herself. Deepak day 12. So many thoughts about Tom and Lolai andbeing told I’m crazy and replaying those scenes.
The people that the woman that hurt recruited to be bullies against us bullied me in public spaces. It was so bad. It happened a lot, grown adult bullies. Tom was such a lunatic towards me and his wife was at first very rude. Years later it wore off but there was always this feeling that she was fishing for information to bring back to the den. I was learning through following meditations and it was helping to heal me. I was getting back to no one can steal my peace.
4/03/16
We talked to my stepson’s girlfriend about 8/19. We cried, and a lot was shared. My stepdaughter came back from her mom’s off-spring break and she bit her nails so sad.
I am living the way of peace. OM SHANTI OM. 1111 pages. Book.
We did a lot of crying as a family trying to work through this trauma. There was so much separation caused by the kid’s mom, her efforts to cover up and lie about what she did to them by spinning the story and trying to recruit my stepson’s gf against us was so obvious and so hurtful to them. Then having to watch my stepdaughter process her nervous energy by biting her nails off, when she would come home from her mom’s her fingers would be raw. It was heartbreaking and we couldn’t do anything about it.
04/07/16
My stepdaughter had a nightmare after dealing with her mom and not waiting to go on visitation again after being on break.
Call from Grace and I get that the ultimate form of meditation is being present!!! Sitting meditation gets you there.
Experiencing the impact as it’s released in the car talking to Lance.
The title of my book is Dear Debbie.
The emotional wound is Debbie ouch.
It seems like there was constant processing happening. Today the title of my book most likely would not be Dear Debbie. After almost a decade since I can see now that Debbie is the least significant person in this and while it did hurtshe was never really our friend. She was always just phishing for information to bring back to the den, to the woman she had a secret admiration for most likely. It’s a very weird triangle going on with all of them and today I am grateful to nothave any of them anywhere near us. Losing her as a friend through this was a blessing I can see now. She isn’t in the children’s lives in any capacity. That family means nothing to us today.
04/08/16
My stepdaughter chewed all her fingernails off after being at her mom’s for a week.
This poor girl lived in constant stress, a constant state of terror after her mother attacked me. She was made to feel bad for loving us. It sucked for her.
04/14/16
Had to see Aurelia at Muirlands. So stressful!
It was so stressful to see this woman, thankfully it has only happened a few times. I think if I saw her today I’d offer her a chance at my neck again, I know what to do if it happens again and I know the violence she is capable of so I would never put my guard down. But at the time my nervous system was not recovered. Health today I know why I suffered so badlyand for anyone reading this…eat more fruit! It helps your brain handle stressful potentially traumatic situations better. PTSD is a physiological event, not a psychological event.
04/13/16
Louise Hay on throat one-way point of view.
I highly recommend people read Louise Hay, throat is about speaking your truth. Everything manifests in the body. Your body keeps the score, the answers you need are within.
04/15/16
What specifically does 222 mean?
Your thoughts align with the truth. This is verification from the angels that those thoughts are correct. For example, if you have thought about quitting your job and are daydreaming about what you would prefer to do instead, you will receive 222 as confirmation of the ideas you have aligned with your soul’s purpose in this lifetime. It is confirmation that your recent thoughts are on the right path and that you should take the next step.
My daughter had a surfing issue boooo. Brought her surfing but it was a disaster. She got her wetsuit on and ready. Her board was connected to her leg with her leash. We were walking to the water and I did not realize she was running the other direction while I was walking one way. She got swiped, feet right out from under her face planted into the sand. She looked at me in horror, we may never get back into the water.
I saw my step daughter get picked up from her mother at school while I was picking up her friend. She had expressed that she did not want to go so I sent her the I love you sign language.
The evidence we were getting out in the world, my heart breaks that we had a bad experience at the beach it did delay my daughter getting on a surfboard but happy to report she is surfing with me now! I look for meaning in things everywhere, I feel and sense them on a very deep level. I love that I have notes about seeing 222 a lot it is encouraging me even to this day to continue following my writing passions. To this day with both my daughter and her sister we use sign language to say I love you. But the right thing to do was allow her to work her relationship out with her mother, that is what we always wanted because that is what was best for her. It makes it all very clear that we were dealing with someone misled by their thoughts because we always promoted the love of everyone and the more people our kids loved meant they were growing in healthy ways.
04/18/16
Had to go to Anderson for an adjustment everything was locked up. Lots of pain. Nightmare. Horrible. I feel like my neck is going to hurt for the rest of my life.
Happy to report that ten years later for the first time, I have not seen Dr. Anderson in almost six months! But it took this long to get here. I still have pain in my neck, it’s normal but I have built good muscles to help support my spine. I still get random radical migraines but very infrequently. We are so resilient we humans, we adapt and overcome. I found my wantthrough all this and have a yoga practice that safeguards me.
04/19/16
Remember my stepdaughter in Hawaii holding onto us and me not being able to handle it? I could not understand and thought she was exaggerating. We fought. It was awful we were so stressed.
My stepdaughter had some major issues after all this but today at now 22 years old she can stand on her own two feet and not be afraid out in the world like she was for a long time after all this happened, another testament that time does heal us and if we work hard enough on ourselves to heal our wounded parts we will get there. She is doing amazing now and I am so very proud of her.
04/21/16
Criminal resolution court hearing today. Headaches all day.
All I have to say about criminal court is that was a bunch of bull crap. It’s full of old judges that are all connected and it’s a boys club. It’s not about what is just or right it’s about who you know. Ultimately we got ALL our expenses covered butthe California Victims of Violent Crime Board and we got a resolution it was not easy and it was humiliating. You never want to be a victim is what I learned.
04/26/16
Working with dates backward is ridiculous. We want to piece together an audio file.
My brain trauma today means my brain is glitchy. At this time a year after it happened I could not process dates backward it was impossible and I had lost all two-letter words from my written language. Today I use tools like Grammarly to help me write especially at work. I did piece together an audio file of just what the woman who attacked me said. She sounds like a demon, out of her mind. She was like a pit bull that day when she grabbed onto my neck and would not let go like a dog doesn’t let go when they are crazed. It was a radical experience.
04/27/16
Talked to a criminal attorney today about the restitution and he was completely shocked and encouraged. Said not totally surprised the judge has a reputation.
Our daughter is showing signs that this is impacting her and it is showing up at school.
This did not last long, she grew out of it quickly and luckily she has an amazing big sister and older brother thatsupported her through it all. We are okay in the end.
So this was a year after, it took a year. We are now at ten years past this. I have to say I have learned so much!!! I have so much to share I believe to help others. Like cut them people off immediately. Anyone who is not believing you that you suffered a violent attack from someone, they are literally dead to you, move on. Immediately move and don’t look back, do not think about it. Do not waste your energy on it, it’s like it didn’t happen. You give your energy away only hurts you.
Strangled In La Jolla 