Writing is such a great way to encourage healing in your body. I am so close to getting all this journal out, it feels so good. I recently went through all the books that I read during this time and one of them was Surviving Survival by Laurence Gonzales. So many people in circumstances like I went through are dealing with perpetrators who lie about what they did. While it bothered me for a very long time that mine lied and continues to lie, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. There was a quote I took from the book that helped me put that feeling into perspective.
“Lies create shame, the dissonance between the self you project and the one you conceal. And in that torment, that exhausting tension, a kind of paralyzing despair sets in”
When I think about that I know that in the end the people who lie about the destruction they brought to another’s life have to deal with their own hell and it’s not ours to worry about. They create a reality they have to live in all on their own. For anyone who has been put through unimaginable stuff trust that it is not your concern for them going forward all you have to worry about is disconnecting from that energy.
Here are my journals. Nothing too exciting really but it’s healing for me to read through them all. It demonstrates to me perseverance. If you have nothing to look back on, you do cannot see how far you have come in your healing journey. These people involved were so cruel to us. The court system is broken. Looking back, I wish we never went to court, it didn’t help, it hurt us more.
Monday, Feb 8th 2016
Met my friend Nic out for a hike this morning and had the worst headache, I seem to always feel like I am learning how to be in this world it sort of always feels awkward to be in my skin at times could be because I don’t have a job….wahhhhhhh!
Looking back at this feeling I recently dove into near-death experiences and out-of-body experiences. I was so close to death on this day that I did leave my body. This experience changed how I look at death, I watched myself walk away towards light. The sensation that you don’t quite fit back in was very real for me. So was the weird bliss I felt after it all happened like me telling the therapist it was calm and peaceful now. Super weird looking back but it was part of my process.
2/22/16 MONDAY
My stepdaughter came home to tell us that her Mom will now have weekly family dinners. It’s … creepy. She also tells us that her mom has no idea what she likes to eat but she is not talking to her mom about it she is just getting mad about it.
The mom was always trying to mirror what we were doing. For the record, family dinners weekly did not happen. Also for the record we can’t have any alone time with her kids without her butting in still, the oldest is 30 and she still acts like everything has to be 50/50 and she always interrupts our time together.
2/16/16 WEDNESDAY
The neighbor came to the house yelling at me about my stepdaughter taking pictures of the car after she thought that she was going to hit her. My stepdaughter is still exhibiting some symptoms of hypervigilance when alone. Worked with Kelly today.
So grateful for our friend Kelly, her presence was like a second mother to our daughter while I was healing. Today my daughter has a creativity streak I can’t take credit for, it was all Kelly.
2/27/16 Thursday
Meditating daily now to get rid of migraines, all I saw was the color purple during today’s meditation. Saw purple during my meditation today.
Meditation is a mainstay in my life now. You cannot process life without it. It helped heal my brain, helped me manifest a new reality. Don’t wait, meditate!
2/29/16
Feeling so hopeless. Feeling like I cannot move forward. That I am not healing.
Ugh this makes me sad to read, but a reminder of the truth that healing is not linear. It does get better it just takes time.
March 6, 2016
Ran into Tom and Lolai today in La Jolla. Tom was a complete jerk to me, wagging his finger in circles at his head and calling me crazy. My heart rate was through the roof immediately its terrifying. I can’t see how to control it, it just flares up. All we could think about today was extending the criminal protective order so we don’t have to deal with her again.
OMG! Reading this does make me mad, people were so mean to us that had a story from the woman who strangled me. She was such a bully and got others to gang up on us. It was so disgusting. This was the survival part of surviving that sucked. We could not go out in the world like we once had worrying we could run into mean-hearted people like this that she got against us with her lies.
3/12/16 Saturday
Wow so much has happened we were in court on Monday. Nothing exciting happened other than it got kicked out to an unknown date. There is such little urgency. We received amazing news, the CVCP program has approved my income loss while out!! I almost fell over, I still cannot believe it. We are going to get some relief. My stepson asked us to take care of his cat. My stepdaughter is having a sleepover with two girls, and I am making pizza and listening to a Jim Croce station, I’m sick but getting better. I am getting so much better. She is too although it is upsetting when she comes home and says that her stepbrother was crying because he thought the grandparents told him they hated him. Her mom is asking about whether I am still working for Outward Hound and if Jonathan is working or not. She again has lots of questions about the dog and how he died. She is asking very specific questions about where the dog’s ashes are. She also told us that her mom, stepdad, grandparents, and stepbrother are all going on a cruise to Cabo. But it is fair that she doesn’t get to go and her stepbrother does because she got to Hawaii with us…..? They are going this weekend. She also tells us that her stepdad’s parents are giving them money and her mom is now happy again and spending money like crazy. It’s pretty incredible to think that I get to hear about the life of the person who tried to kill me. I am not sure that will ever wear off that feeling of insecurity every time her name is brought up but I have to be like a duck, like the city prosecutor told us. She shows real concern about how we are doing and gives solid advice. Be like a duck, let it all roll off of you. I have a mountain of paperwork to fill out for the CVCP (California Victims of Crime) but now that I know we can get help we need to get help. Getting out from under this mountain of debt will free our spirits, the weight of it is so dense, maybe it’s just me.
03/15/16
Wrote to Bikram for fellowship for spring training.
OMG, I thought she was in front of me, my adrenaline went through the roo,f I got a sharp shooting pain in my neck.
I haven’t seen this woman in person for over a decade now, I don’t know that she would trigger me now, I am so healed from this all now. Her issues are not mine and they never were.
03/18/16
My step daughter told us that the camping trip was not happening anymore, she was disappointed because she was built up.
If you have never been grabbed around the neck then don’t ask me. I’ve spent a year trying to get on with my life. A year later we still don’t have a resolution on this.
Bad headache today and lots of crying.
03/19/16
Completely freaked out over my daughter’s costume today. Ugh, she probably will never forget that. She got pen on it and it was the end of my world.
03/21/16
Physical therapy today. Diane, my physical therapist was reflecting on how much of a mess I was in the beginning. I could barely get off the table and had no power in my neck. Felt powerless and was crying all the time. I remember running into Peggy there. Ugh.
My physical therapist said my injuries were as if I was in 100mph car flipping crash. I was so hurt.
03/23/16
The thought of the magnitude of disruption we have suffered has been so activating. Our lives were completely shattered by this act of violence.
3/26/16
I now accept a wonderful new job. Spending a lot of time listening to Louise Hay’s – Heal Your Body Heal Your Life. I am so worried about finding a new job so I am brainwashing myself to believe that one is coming. I refuse to believe anything else.
3/28/16
When you are joyful your divine light inspires you. Let go of viewing the situation as troubled and see yourself and others through the eyes of your guarding angels in this way you will look past the surface and see the beauty and light that an eternal he shines within every conflict drops away revealing the clean and new truth about everyone and everything.
I choose to be nothing but joyful. When we are joyful your divine light inspires everyone who sees you. I choose to let go of viewing the situation as troubled and see myself and others through the eyes of my spiritual guides, in this way I will look past the surface and see the beauty and light that eternally shines within everyone. I expect conflict to drop away revealing the clean and new truth about everyone and everything.
03/29/16
Talking to Shana about what happened with Heather Milligan. The joint therapist needs to be in place until my stepdaughter is 18. Shana talked to Sara. Played the 911 tape that’s 25 minutes long.
What to prepare for tomorrow. Listen to the 911 call, why does she want to play it in court, it doesn’t help them at all. It has her daughter speaking on it showing she was exposed to her violent act.
03/30/15
We were in court today and we won. They played the 911 call. Jose laughed while I cried. She was convicted of Domestic Violence.
He literally laughed at me, he is so snowed by this woman. Her ability to lie is so good it’s scary. Her ability to really hurt someone is real too. Their ability to hurt together is big too. I am so glad this is all over.
Strangled In La Jolla 